Dear Judy,
I have two aunts, and they live together (they’re sisters). They’re old, both in their early 80’s. My favorite aunt is dying. She has esophageal cancer, which she doesn’t want to do much about. She feels she’s lived, as she tells me, “long enough.”
She can’t eat much, and she has a tough time swallowing. But she keeps telling her sister she’s just fine, just not hungry. And she also says she’s just tired. In other words, she lies totally to her sister, but tells me the truth. (Her sister isn’t really very bright, as you can tell).
My question, Judy: Do I tell my other aunt that her only sister won’t be with her much longer? I hate to break a confidence, particularly one from a person I really love and admire. But I also don’t want my other aunt to go into shock when she realizes the truth of the matter. Which I know can’t be long…
So what do I do? What is the responsible thing to do? My husband says I should do nothing.
Is he right?
Karen
Dear Karen,
I’d run a middle course here.
In other words, right now, while your favorite aunt can still lie effectively to her sister, say nothing. But when things get demonstrably worse — and they will, as you point out correctly, very shortly — then will be the time to prepare the sister.
You don’t have to be completely candid. You can reveal information incrementally. But in a month or two, you might tell her that her sister’s health is “worsening.” And after that, as circumstances warrant, provide details.
Around the same time, you might tell your favorite aunt that you are breaking the news to her sister “gently.” I think by then even she will be in complete agreement with what you’re doing, especially if you emphasize the “gently” part.
Thank you for writing
Judy
I suspect that the healthy sister, however dim, realizes that a woman in her eighties who is constantly tired and not really eating, isn’t exactly preparing for a marathon. Conciously or unconciously, she has apparently decided not to acknowledge the situation a name, which, if you ask me, is both normal and a healthy reaction. What will she gain by defining the situation? She’ll have plenty of time to mourn her sister when she dies.