Dear Judy,
My 48-year-old sister has colon cancer which has spread everywhere; the doctors say she has maybe nine to ten months left. She is also in pain, which we are trying to get the doctors to deal with.
The issue is our mother, who suffering from dementia: small strokes in the brain mixed with what is very likely Alzheimer’s. My brother and my husband say we have to tell my mother her oldest daughter is near death, it’s our duty.
I say — why? My mother forgets everything.
So I’m torn between what is moral and what is most painful. And I can’t figure out which is which. And I don’t think the other family members can either. My sister is pretty well beyond caring either way.
Can you help?
Fiona in London
Dear Fiona,
First things first: pain these days, even very bad pain, is a manageable problem. With the right medications, morphine and methadone among them, almost anyone’s pain can be greatly relieved. No one has to suffer like you say your sister does.
So if one doctor doesn’t prescribe the right drugs for your sister (or — just as important – doesn’t prescribe enough of the right drugs) please switch doctors for her sake.
Second: if your mother is as bad off as you suggest, I cannot imagine why you would tell her one of her children is near death. She will simply forget it the next minute, and then you or your brother will be forced to repeat the horrible news. Again and again. There too we have suffering that is needless.
And that’s one of many things I don’t believe in.
Thank you for writing.
Judy
So in both cases, make sure
Couldn’t agree with you more; telling her mother about her sister’s situation would probably relieve Fiona of the moral dilema now but do nothing for either her Mother or her sister. When her sister is in a hosptial or hospice, then it would be time to consider telling her Mother. But not now.
Charlie