Dear Judy,
Everything is crashing down on me, so I’m writing you at 4 AM. My wife is very sick with breast cancer, her second bout and it’s spread. We have 2 kids, 9 and 6.
Our question (mine really, since my wife doesn’t know I’m writing): do we have to tell the children she’s not likely to recover? Do we have to do it now? Do we have to do it at all? After all, when she dies, the kids will find out anyway, right?
I haven’t discussed any of this with my wife for obvious reasons. My first impulse is to put off telling the kids until the final “event” happens. Why burden them with too much knowledge? Why scare them ahead of time?
But I don’t know. Please help.
William
Dear William,
I am so very sorry about your wife, and really sorry about your dilemma as well.
The advice I have to give is predicated entirely on how much more time is available to your wife: I know doctors don’t necessarily want to hazard a guess (for good reason: they’re often wrong); but they generally have some idea of the general parameters, and it’s important to get their evaluation before talking to your children.
If there’s a good year or more, then no, I probably wouldn’t inform your children of an impending death. But if it’s six months or less, then — yes, you must tell them that their mother is extremely ill and will likely never recover; will, in fact, die.
The reason it’s advisable to be this candid is because there is so much grief in the house anyway. Your wife is very likely weak, too weak often to care for them, and you do have to tell the children it’s not the result of negligence or indifference on her part. In other words, she can’t help it.
If it’s possible, and I assume it will be, your wife should be by your side when you deliver the bad news. And she should say how much she loves the children, how very sad she will be to leave them. In other words the goodbyes should be made while she’s still strong enough and lucid enough to make them.
If you have any other questions, don’t hesitate to email me.
And thank you for writing,
Judy
It’s so very sad. And very difficult for everyone, no matter how it’s dealt with.
Wouldn’t it be better if the wife herself, explained her situatiuon to her children, rather than the husband? This would give her the chance to express what she wants to her children, in her own words and put it in a context?
Kids aren’t dumb, and they watch a lot of tv. They know what’s going on. Articulating the issue will only traumtatize them even more.
Judy, your advice to William is excellent, especially the part about the wife being there when they talk to the kids. except for one thing: 6 months is a a lifetime for small children. 6 weeks is more like it.
These children are lucky to have such a thoughtful and considerate father
Judy, I facilitate groups for kids who have a parent with cancer through Kids Konnected. I agree so much with your advice…though telling kids ahead of time would never have been my gut instinct, I know from education that these kids fare so much better with time to process the grief WITH the ill parent, before the parent is gone. Harder than hell, but better for the kids in the long run. Hope William and his kids get some good prefessional support - I always suggest hospices, some of which have amazing programs for grief and bereavement and support. My fingers are crossed for William and his family.
great article thank you.