Dear Judy,
Our mother (there are 3 of us, one brother and two sisters) is 80 and in perfect health, aside from a little arthritis. She is very alert, and knows everything about everything.
My brother was recently diagnosed with colon cancer, at age 50, and it’s pretty advanced since he never sees a doctor if he can help it and never had a colonoscopy until 2 weeks ago.
He has begged us, my sister and me, not to tell our mother. He was always her favorite, being the only boy, and he thinks the news would kill her.
I think our mother deserves to know the truth. Since it looks like my brother’s illness is terminal, what favor would we be doing her by hiding the truth from her? But my brother feels otherwise.
What would you do in my position?
Laura
Dear Laura,
Since your mother is alert, healthy and will likely live to see her son visibly ill and then very probably dying, I think none of you has a real choice. You must tell her.
Having said that, I think you must wait a few days, and then talk seriously and sympathetically with your brother, explaining that your mother is bound to discover the sad news anyway. Mention that it would be far better coming from him, her favorite child and the person most affected by the illness, than from either you or your sister.
And mention also that informing her now will be, oddly, a kindness to your mother. This way she may prepare herself, and she also gets a chance to say goodbye.
If everyone keeps silent, she will find out anyway, of course, and she will feel — rightly — that no one has treated her in the way she deserved. As a mother who has the right and the ability to comfort her dying son.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
I want to know: what’s the rush? Tell an old mother only when she absolutely needs to know what’s going on — like when the end is very near. There’s no point in making her suffer more than she has to.
Laura, you absolutely must tell your mother. In my experience as a healer, pure, UNFILTERED energies directed at the tumor can help. I’d like to emphasize the words “pure” and “unfiltered.” That means you can’t dilute the news, and neither can anyone. so that a mother’s thoughts can erect their own barriers to negativity. It’s kind of like an immune response when the system is healthy! Truth and honesty are purifiers.
It’s the sick person who gets to decide the rules of the game. Period.
And what’s going to happen when the old lady discovers the truth? Today, tomorrow, 3 months from now, whatever, it’s going to be terrible for her. Get it over with. I had a first cousin who refused to tell her parents she was terminal until months after diagnosis. It wasn’t like she was buying time by keeping quiet about her condition. Her parents were so upset that they hadn’t spent as much time with her as they would have had they known her life was almost over. They never forgave themselves. Do it now.