Dear Judy,
A friend of mine lost her husband last year. She is 55, and she was devastated when he died (he had Alzheimer’s, early onset). When my friend speaks of her dead husband, she doesn’t really pretend he’s still alive. But at other times, she acts weird, and pretends she’s acting on his behalf.
For one thing, she does little things, like at my last birthday, she gave me a gift, a really lovely and wildly expensive (maybe $1,000) Ferragamo handbag, and signed both their names — hers and her husband’s – on the gift card. She told me, by way of explanation, that she knows her late husband would have wanted to be in on the gift, and besides, it was due to his last will (which left a considerable sum to my friend) that she is able to be so generous.
On holidays, she sends me cards, also signed with his name. Sometimes she says stuff in the present tense, when speaking of her husband: “He thinks…” Or “He prefers…” Or “He only eats….”
Do you think she’s suffering from early onset Alzheimer’s too? That would be so terrible, I can hardly stand to think about it.
Jean in Ottawa
Dear Jean,
To answer your question effectively, I sent it on to Dr. Howard Fillit, one of the top experts nationally in the field of Alzheimer’s research and treatment. Here’s what Dr. Fillit replies:
“It seems unlikely that the friend has Alzheimer’s Disease (AD). AD is very rare at 55, and when it occurs, it is usually inherited. It would be useful to know if someone in her direct family (a parent or a sibling) also had Alzheimer’s Disease at such a young age.
“It is far more likely that this friend has untreated depression and a prolonged grieving. Many people with major depression develop cognitive impairment. This friend may even have a “psychotic” depression that may account for her symptoms and suffering. In my opinion, she should see a psychiatrist who can carefully evaluate her mood and cognitive function.”
tell her straight out that it freaks you out.
I teach kindergarten. The father of one of the children died before the kid came to this school. Mother insists on attaching his name to everything, for example when parents give a gift to the school or for birthday invitations. She has two explanantions: dad is in heaven watching and caring, and she doesnt want her child to feel different from other children. I find this tatally bizarre but the children take it as completely normal, so i decided to leave it at that.
Your friend sounds like she hasn’t quite understood her husband is dead. She deludes herself that alking about him as though he is still around will make the reality of his death disappear. She is in for a big shock when the truth finally hits her.