Dear Judy,
We just found out my mother has aggressive terminal lung cancer and with chemo might last 12-14 months.
My mother was physically and verbally abusive to me when I was growing up. Now at 41, I work to have a functional relationship with her that is not too close (too avoid getting hurt again) but not too distant either.
My youngest sister, now 38, was always the spoiled and adored one. My mother has never taken any interest in my children. But now that she’s dying — guess what? She has convinced my youngest sister to have a baby before she dies!! And my youngest sister is not involved in a serious relationship, but she has agreed to this. This is all crazy.
I am arguing with my sister about this all the time, but it feels like I’m fighting with a teenager about pregnancy. I’m planning a big Thanksgiving dinner for the whole family, my sister and my mother included, but now it feels so empty.
What do I do?
Cassie
Dear Cassie,
I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. I think I can help.
First of all, I think you have to separate your feelings toward your dying mother from your sister’s — the one you claim was “adored.” Frankly, it occurs to me that the claims your mother is now making on her — basically ordering her to get pregnant — indicate your younger sister is being abused as well, and likely always has been.
Certainly she has a very submissive relationship with your mother.
Here’s what I’m going to ask you not to do. Do NOT discuss your sister’s plans to get pregnant with her either now or ever — especially not during the holidays. You’ve had the discussion, and lost. Your sister- -still — feels the need to curry favor with a very powerful woman. Talking about how crazy this all is will only wreck the Thanksgiving dinner on which you’re working so hard.
Here’s what to do for yourself: Maintain the same respectful relationship with your mother you’ve had. Expect nothing of her. Terminal illness will not improve her character. It won’t make her warmer toward her grandchildren. She is a sick woman in every respect.
Please do get some therapy for yourself. Not because you’re sick. But because when things are bad around us, it helps to talk to someone smart who is unrelated.
And let me know how you are doing in a month or so. Happy Thanksgiving.
Thank you for writing
Judy
