Dear Judy,
I know I’m not supposed to feel this way, but I do. My brother is dying, and I don’t want to say goodbye.
We have always been very close, told each other almost everything. I don’t get along with his live-in partner (another guy), but I never discussed this with him. Still, I think he knows how I feel.
The problem is, if I visit my brother, I’ll have to see his partner, all the time. Also, I can’t stand the thought of my brother dying and never seeing him again. So mostly I’ve stayed away, talking to him on the phone.
Am I being selfish? He has maybe a year left. What do you think?
April
Dear April,
Sometimes we have to put our own feels of horror (over impending death) or loathing aside. This is one of those times.
I never tell anyone who detests a dying person to go visit. That’s bad — especially for the terminally ill who have enough on their minds (and in their bodies…) already.
But you love your brother. You are just afraid: of death, of his death, of your own feelings of impending loss. And of his partner, whom you dislike
I am not telling you to erase those feelings. That’s impossible. I’m just saying if you don’t go — regularly — to be at your brother’s side, you will never forgive yourself. A lifetime of guilt is not something you want, trust me.
So go visit your brother. Often. It won’t be forever, as you know. But the guilt, if you don’t go, will be.
Thanks for writing
Judy
