Dear Judy,
Lately everything seems to have gone wrong in my life. My father has terminal cancer: he has maybe 2 years to live, maybe months. I am working 1000’s of miles away from him.
My girlfriend of 2 years left me. I since learned she was seeing other guys behind my back. This has devastated me.
I also have a lot of debt (I bought the stupid girlfriend a car). I also bought rental properties that are worth less than I paid for them. I live alone and hardly have any friends. I have made some stupid mistakes at work lately. I live alone and from a health point of view, lead a crap life: bad diet no exercise.
I can feel my heart is messed up with blocked arteries.
I wonder: Should I move home to be with my father? He is with my mother and brother, but shouldn’t I be there too? Is it selfish to stay here? I’ve always been positive, but lately everything is closing in on me. Please help.
Dan
Dear Dan,
Let’s start right away with the practical issue: Should you quit your job and relocate to be with your dying father?
Certainly, especially since you think things are going badly at work, you should start look right away for a job near where your family is. Polish your resume, write acquaintances and relatives, see what’s out there. If you manage to land a great job, then by all means embrace it — and the chance to be near your father!
But looking doesn’t mean finding: not in this economy. Until you are assured of landing a good new job near your father, stay firmly put.
Here’s what you can do for your father, though: Talk to your current boss. Explain that you feel guilty about your inability to do much for the family, and that spending some extra time with your dying father would do a lot to alleviate that guilt. Be candid. Don’t demand. Just ask. You might get a week or 2 of compassionate leave.
Meantime, call your father - a lot. Email. Send favorite books, DVDs.
And finally: this is for you. You sound like you’re showing classical signs of depression, and not just because of your father’s illness (although that’s bad enough). I want you to see a good therapist as soon as you can. Not just because you’re depressed, but because you’ve made, as you concede, very bad choices that helped you get depressed. A guy who has few friends and large debts, who’s made “stupid mistakes” at work, who bought a car to hold onto a faithless girlfriend, and eats himself into ill health is a person who needs excellent outside help.
You can’t change a lot of things: your father’s grim prospects, your ex-girlfriend’s character, among them. But with a smart therapist and some will power, you can change you.
Write back please in a month or 2 and tell me how things are going.
Judy
Good advice, wrong order. Therapy is the first thing Dan should consider, and only after getting that should he look at other options. He should make no decisions and take no actions without first getting clarity about his own situation. Confusion, fear — they’re bad counselors.
Seems like more than his family needs him, Dan needs his family.
Good advice regarding the depression, it is very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel (it may look like an oncoming train right now). He needs to be evaluated clincially and if given an RX will need four to six weeks, then start to make life changing decisions. All “bad patches” do end eventually, hang in there!
Dan sounds as if he is in desparate straits.Jeanne Frye and you are right; he needs clinical analysis and immediate treatment