Dear Judy,
I read thecheckoutline.org pretty often now that my father has lung cancer. I couldn’t believe the question on Friday from the woman who was pissed off that people in her office wanted to share their own stories of grief with her. She felt she had too much to handle with her own mother dying, and didn’t want to hear about anyone else.
Well first of all I think that’s extremely selfish on her part. And second, I have the opposite problem. My father has maybe a year left, he’s being seen by hospice nurses and volunteers (and me!) but every time I mention this to someone in my office, I can practically see their eyes roll around in their heads with boredom – and their minds tune out.
They go, “Oh I’m really sorry…” Pause. “Have you seen Mr. So-and-So?” Or: “Gee too bad. Do you know where the IT guy is today?”
Isn’t there any sympathy left these days?
Carrie
Dear Carrie,
The woman who wrote in Friday about not wishing to listen to other people’s tales of misery wasn’t being selfish. She was in pain. And her pain was private, she felt.
You are the opposite — meaning you feel better when you unload the tragedy of your father’s illness to listeners and colleagues.
However — a big however — you have to pick and choose your confidants. As you’ve discovered, not everyone wants to hear about your father’s last year. I know that hurts you, but people who their own tragic stories sometimes get overwhelmed.
…And others sometimes just don’t care.
Either way, it’s up to you to figure out who is who. Maybe that’s something you’re ill-equipped to do right now, in which case I’d suggest talking to a smart, sympathetic therapist. You never have to worry about a therapist’s moods.
Thank you for writing
Judy
I wonder if some of the folks around us are not on sympathy “overload”. We get slammed by the media with one diaster after another. Then…we go to work and we are not even safe in our cubicle. Does the world need less reality? This may be why I talk to my dog everyday….sorry Ms. Scarlett!
As in O’Hara, and yes, she thinks she is!