Dear Judy,
My best friend is dying (breast cancer). I happen to know she still cares for an old boyfriend. When they broke up, he married someone else. Now he’s divorced.
My question: Should I tell him about the situation? Should I get them together now? My friend is pretty sick and obviously doesn’t look great, but maybe she’d like to see him. In fact, I know she would.
Amy
Dear Amy,
My first rule of thumb when dealing with the wishes of the terminally ill: Ask.
I know you think you know what your good friend would like in the time remaining, but unless you ask, you can’t know for sure. And do point out, before you go any further, that you haven’t yet asked your friend’s ex-boyfriend if visiting her is what he wants.
If you do get permission, then by all means you can ask the old boyfriend if he’d like to visit. But be prepared — and prepare your dying friend as well — for the possibility that he might prefer not to visit her.
In other words, nothing is sure or inevitable in this scenario. I know you mean well, but unless you prepare both parties, it may be fraught with disaster — and pain.
Thank you for writing
Judy
A great rule for life (and that includes the dying) is BUTT OUT. Interpretation: mind your own business.
The former boyfriend has likely gotten a lot worse looking with age, the bad marriage hasn’t helped him. In other words,the man the friend is pining for no longer exists. Seeing him in a new and relaistic light will put her mind at rest and give her soul some much needed peace as she prepares for the end. So by all means, Amy should do what she can to get them together.
Yeah, sure. The boyfriend will kiss her, she will have a miraculous cure, and they will live happily ever after. Get a life, woman!