Dear Judy,
I bet you don’t get too many emails asking for answers to this type of question:
I have been working as a substitute nanny for a family in Illinois whose longtime care-giver has terminal melanoma.
The children — 5, 8, and 13 — are understandably upset. They are extremely angry, fairly aggressive, and definitely suffering in her absence. To make matters more complicated, this very sick care-giver is intensely over-involved with the kids, if that makes any sense to you. She has devoted her life to them, and now that life is seeping away.
The parents in this family are very career-oriented–the nanny was really like a third parent–and they have not moved so far to fill in the void. They children will definitely need grief counseling at some point (I would like to see them start now), and I’d like to be able to recommend someone to the parents, who are operating at a rather high level of denial.
How do I go about doing this — without appearing to seem intrusive or accusatory (like accusing them of being lousy parents), and thus losing my new job, which I really need?
Ruth
Dear Ruth,
From what you write, it sounds like the children in the family need a lot more than grief counseling from a therapist. They need a new set of parents who are capable of being something more than a couple who might, as you phrased it, “fill the void” created by the terminal illness of a nanny.
That seems a little lopsided to me. I was previously under the impression that nannies are supposed to fill the void of an occasionally busy parent.
But to answer your question: should you risk your job by urging the parents to find a therapist for the unhappy kids? I don’t think that urging therapy will necessarily demand such a high price.
Here’s how I’d do it. One evening this week, after the children are in bed, sit down with the parents – if you can manage to find them at home. Shove two glasses of wine into their hands. Tell them some of the symptoms of grief you’ve observed in their children. Explain that you believe the terminal illness of their nanny has had a devastating effect on them.
Then ask them what they think might help their kids.
I’ll bet anything one or both parents might suggest therapy or grief counseling.
If for some reason, they believe the kids will get over their grief without help, you could say that they might recover more quickly with a professional (I’ll bet anything they like swift solutions to all problems).
It would also help if you ask around among friends to get the name of a therapist who is particularly good with young children — and above all, kind. This person doesn’t have to be a grief counselor. In fact, given the family in which you find yourself, a child therapist who deals with all sorts of issues might be a more comprehensive and better candidate.
That way when one of the parents says, “Gee, maybe a therapist can help the kids, too bad we don’t know any…” you can appear really competent in their eyes.
And keep a job you need.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Boy, am I impressed! Such an insightful, intelligent, understanding young woman — temping as a ….nanny?? When she should be the family shrink! Which is another way of saying that given how judgmental and opinionated this so-called nanny is, I am amazed she isn’t running the country.
If there are grandparents who are involved in the family’s life, Ruth should hint about her concerns to them, and make them her allies in approaching the parents and trying to help these neglected kids. The parents might be more willing to accept their ideas and intervention.
The parents’ hard earned money will one day go to therapy to help these children overcome emotional neglect.
My husband and I both work hard, which is why we are very, very careful about the nannies we hire. We have no qualms about firing the wrong person. I can assure you that a temp who would sit us down and shove wine glasses in our hands before telling us what we are doing wrong, would not last another day. Not because we would be offended, but because we do not want anyone remotely like that raising our kids. Someone who also passes judgment on a dying, devoted nanny, saying she was over-involved? Who does she think she is? No one but her can do anything right, can they?
Poor kids. For all practical purposes, they’re about to be orphaned, but without the recognition and the sympathy.