Dear Judy,
I feel a little embarrassed writing all this, but I don’t know who else to ask. I live in a big city on the East Coast, and in our neighborhood a child — well a teenager really — recently died, and no one seems to know why. We all knew the teenager and his family, some of us better than others, and we all knew he had drug problems. Once he was arrested for possession, but nothing much came of it.
The thing is though, there’s lots of gossip going around the neighborhood, and some people say he died of an overdose or drinking, while others claim he had a heart problem. There’s even been some gossip about a possible suicide.
My question: is it appropriate for either me or maybe one of our neighbors to ask the family how the kid died? Or is it none of our business?
Lacy
Dear Lacy,
Try sending a note of condolence, instead of digging up dirt.
It sounds to me like a lot more is on your mind than the poor dead boy or his family. So in this instance, I’d say yes, it’s nobody’s business — simply because it seems like in your particular neighborhood, the only business up and running is gossip.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
If there are any members of that family you feel comfortable with, you may say something like “I am so sorry. If you ever want to talk about it, I am here for you.” Or, if a similar loss occurred within your family, you might try: “I think I know how you must feel.” Could just be that the family of this boy has always felt isolated and alienated and this loss has made it worse. Maybe talking will help them cope a little better. Maybe not. But it’s worth a try.
Respect the teenager, respect the family — AND STOP GOSSIPING about the poor teenager. Don’t try and provide thinly disguised “sympathy” by offering to listen, or claim that you know how the bereaved familyy members feel. Frankly, no one does.