Dear Judy,
My mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s, but it’s her husband we’re worried about. He is 97 with congestive heart failure, and he faints occasionally and has also fallen.
He can’t stand to show any weakness and gets extremely angry and insulted if you try to do anything to accommodate his disability. I’m afraid this is too much of a strain on my mother-in-law.
I think someone needs to talk to my father-in-law to help him face reality and his own mortality and make plans for his care. Hospice care would be ideal, but I doubt he’d accept it.
So who should talk to him? My mother-in-law obviously isn’t up to it. His favorite son might, but who knows? Maybe I should? But I hate to be interfering! So does my husband.
I am in desperate need of advice and have lost all objectivity. Please help.
Cheryl
Dear Cheryl,
I’m so sorry about the problems your husband’s family is encountering. Here’s what I think may help:
At 97 with congestive heart failure and fainting spells (which may be the result of small strokes), your father-in-law almost certainly has cognitive problems as well. That’s why he isn’t facing up to his own ailments.
I’d suggest first calling Medicare, which provides all sorts of assistance for the elderly impaired: nurses’ aides, walkers, bathroom fixtures, the works. Some family member should also call a local hospice, which can also provide nursing and volunteer care as well as medications.
But my bet from what you write is that your father-in-law will kick up a fuss, and not easily accept the care he needs from anyone. If so, don’t argue with him, or he’ll really get his back up.
So here’s Plan B
Plan B is your mother-in-law with Alzheimer’s. She too is eligible for Medicare assistance and as her disease encroaches, home hospice care as well, with nurses and volunteers. And she probably won’t reject it.
Once your father-in-law sees what home assistance has done for his wife, he might be more amenable to accepting it himself.
Worth a try.
Thank you for writing
Judy
