Dear Judy,
My father is 86 and in failing health. He pops off incessantly to me about the past. Basically he just makes me feel like a failure.
There are three girls and one boy in our family. And all he talks about is my brother. After all — and this is true — my brother is “the big success” in the family.
I am in my 50’s and we have lost everything in the recession, including our house.
Here’s my question: How do I respond to my father’s smart-aleck remarks about me, to me? Do I stop talking to him altogether? Do I argue with him? How do I respond?
Thank you
Janice
Dear Janice,
I am going to ask you to do something extremely difficult:
Don’t respond.
When your father who is in failing health ‘pops off,’ as you put it, keep the conversation short, claim you have something really important to do immediately, and hang up. Or leave the house.
Do not argue with him. Do not tell him he makes you feel like a failure. Do not consider your bout of bad luck equivalent to failure.
Your father wants your attention, which is why he always baits you. And at 86, his brain may be functioning — or not functioning — at a primal level. One over which you have no control. Arguing will not alter the way his mind works, and my bet is his mind has been working that way a very long time.
Now about you. My suspicion is that you too feel in some way diminished by your bout of bad financial luck. STOP. Bad luck is bad luck. We are all vulnerable to it.
If you can get therapy, that would be great. You need to re-think yourself. If you do, whatever your father says will have less of an effect.
And let’s face it, one day he won’t be able to say anything at all.
Thanks for writing
Judy
