Dear Judy,
My close friend has ovarian cancer: her husband, who has never been very good at looking after himself, is now totally at sea. So a lot of us, her good friends, pitch in — and he never leaves her room unless one of us is present and accounted for. It’s nutty.
Personally, I think my friend (and a lot of us concur on this) needs some space and time for herself alone so she can absorb the bad news and make some hard decisions. She is very young for this disease, just 36. She wasn’t expecting it.
Should I tell her husband she needs space? That sometimes she should be left alone to think in peace? Or not?
I don’t want to seem cruel. Or to have anyone, least of all my friend, think I want to shirk offering affection and companionship. But I also don’t want to crowd her.
So what do you suggest?
Julia
Dear Julia,
First things first. Have you asked your sick friend what she prefers? A crowd? A single friend for company? Someone at all times? Or, as you put it, some space so she can mull things over?
I’m pretty sure no one has put that very simple but important question to her. I would, in your place, phrase the question so she knows you are not trying to shirk anything. Tell her how much you like being with her, and how important this time is to you.
But also mention that you will do whatever makes her feel most comfortable. It may be that she needs some time now — alone. Or it may be she will want that time later.
But whatever it is, it’s her call. And you are right to ask her what that call will be.
Thank you for writing
Judy
If your friend reads email, why not suggest she read thecheckoutline? That way she can make her own decisions without your having to raise it with her directly in a conversation that might be uncomfortable.
The husband’s obviously nuts… Confront the bastard and give him hell. He should not be thinking of himself at a time like this! Being there is obviously only helping him and he knows it. Tell him he’s being selfish and let his wife deal with her issue on her own!
This man obviously needs help himself. Comfort him as well and the dying woman. Take him aside and give him calm, caring advice for the situation. That way she’ll be left alone and he won’t feel so gosh darn awful.
Since the patient is your friend, why not ask her what she prefers. Ask her what she’s more comfortable with. It’s also best to comfort the husband too.