Dear Judy,
I’m told you deal with crazy people and crazy problems all the time, so maybe you can deal with this. It’s my husband’s father.
He’s living with us temporarily (he’s a widow; my mother-in-law died last year of lung cancer), and I guess he’s lonely. So every night at the dinner table he talks-talks-talks.
It’s not just that though. He talk about the details of his late wife’s illness. I mean the graphic details. How she couldn’t swallow towards the end, how much Ensure she drank and what happened when things went wrong, what the pain meds did to her internal system (constipation). Our kids have given up eating with us, they’re grossed out. I am too.
We can’t have guests over either, at least not when my father-in-law is at home. What can we do? Exile him to his room? Tell him to vacate the premises?
Evelyn
Dear Evelyn,
Yes, your father-in-law sounds lonely. And no, you and your family shouldn’t have to be subjected to the graphic details of your late mother-in-law’s illness.
Here’s how to get around it without exile the poor man to his room. The next time your father-in-law seems inclined to be chatty about stuff you don’t want to hear at the dinner table, simply jump in boldly and say, “Oh I’d like to hear about that later, but at the moment I need to discuss —”
And then change the topic. Quickly. Have a few subjects on tap just for such emergencies. If you do this often enough, your father-in-law might get the hint. If he doesn’t, it’s time for stronger measures: you can always tell him, if it comes to that, that the kids aren’t ready for a graphic discussion of illness.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Judy, Judy, Judy — when Evelyn’s husband was a kid, did his parents prevent him from speaking his mind? A classic example of kindness repaid with selfishness, to my mind.
The clue to the problem is in the word “temporarily”. Does anyone know what that means? In reading between the lines, Evelyn seems to fear it’s going to be permanent. Where does her husband stand on these issues? Does he mind? Has he said anything to his father? She needs to formulate her own thoughts and then deal with them.
Evelyn should find a support group for people in his situation. That will encourage him to go out and discuss his experiences with people who have been through it all. Believe me, there are many widows who would be happy to be in his company!
It sounds to me like grandpa is “processing” the event. Totally normal, but hard to hear at the dinner table. Maybe a grief support group would be helpful.