Dear Judy,
What do I do about a husband who acts like his late wife is still alive. I didn’t know the women. I’m sure she was great. But She died 3 years ago of ovarian cancer. I married him 7 months ago.
He still talks about “my wife.” By which he means her. I’ve tried correcting him, but he acts like he’s deaf when I do. It’s really embarrassing in front of friends.
Is this serious? Does he love a dead woman more than me? Do I put my foot down? Divorce?
Help!
Annette
Dear Annette,
Well you tried putting your foot down, and where did that get you?
I know it’s off-putting to have the guy you’re married to refer to a dead woman as his wife. But you never mention whether he refers to you in the same way. In other words, if he calls you his wife as well, you’re in a good place, I’d say.
If, on the other hand, the only person who gets that title is the lady who died 3 years ago, then there’s a problem.
But remember: you’ve been married to your husband a very brief while: it takes getting used to. I realize you’d love to be the only wife — it might sound to the unknowing outsider like your husband is a bigamist. But look on the bright side. He really, really loved the lady who died. That shows he has a great capacity for affection. It augurs well, I think, for the dead wife’s successor.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Nobody can answer this question without knowing: A) how old the man is and how long he was married to Wife No 1. And B) if he’s 22 or 82.
If he was married for decades to the same woman, you can’t blame him. Force of habit, heard of it?
Instead of trying to persuade her husband to drop the word “wife” she should try to get him to put a prefix before it. Like: EX. Or LATE.
Would solve everything.
Annette, honey, this question should be written to a relationship advice columnnist — who would probably tell you to head to the lawyers. Your husband is obviously not over the death of No. 1, not ready for a new relationship and definitely not ready for marriage.
Just a question: did he call the deceased “my wife” when you were dating? What did you think would happen? A ring would change his feelings?
The “new” wife is never going to replace the first wife. She needs to realize that she just isn’t the love of his life. She’s a companion. If it is a good enough relationship, she should just live iwth it.