Dear Judy,
My best friend died of breast cancer at 40. Her husband’s latest hobby — if you can call it that — is to surf the web for information on a million different horrible diseases and their supposed prevention or cures, and then share this information with everyone he knows. Naturally I’m on his list. In fact, I’ll bet I’m at the top of his list.
Worse, sometimes the stuff he sends out is completely loony. I get emails on the evils of eating meat; or the perils of tomatoes (that was when we were all told the poor little tomato was the cause of an e coli epidemic, which turned out to be false) or hot peppers. Or that sugar causes breast cancer. Which I don’t think it does.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking, and what you’re going to write back. Press the delete button on your PC. But it isn’t that simple! The guy won’t just leave it at emails. At parties he buttonholes not only me, but total strangers and tells us all about the evils of butter. (I don’t even eat butter). Or that hot dogs kill. Or walnuts cause stomach cancer!
Never mind him. I’m going nuts. And the worst of it is, although he was always a little eccentric, he was never this crazy before. Any suggestions?
Rhoda
Dear Rhoda,
You don’t say exactly when your friend died of breast cancer, but I’m willing to bet it wasn’t that long ago. What her husband is doing is grieving.
Okay, I know it isn’t the kind of grieving that you find tolerable or even comprehensible. But he is in agony. And he’s trying, as we all do when faced with enormous loss, to make sense of the universe, in however sad and ineffectual a way.
He’s also trying to prevent his acquaintances from falling prey to the early death that ensnared his wife. Now I agree with you: his efforts in this instance aren’t sensible. But I’m willing to bet that after a while (maybe a long while…) they will subside. And then eventually disappear.
You don’t have to listen to the warnings he spouts. Just be patient.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Rhoda did not mention if this man has children. If childless, he may be plain bored, having lost a wife whose illness kept him busy — maybe frantically busy all the time. Someone in his circle of friends or family - it could be you - should help him develop a new interest.
Tell him straight out that you’re not interested. You can be polite about it, like you might say that all this information is overwhelming so you’ve have decided to only listen to your doctor. But be direct and upfront. He needs to understand that he is being a major pain in the ass. If that doesn’t work, justl block his emails and refuse to take his calls. That should do it.
Isn’t there some support group for bereaved spouses he can join?
People in his situation should be forgiven everything for the first year.
Isn’t there a sensitive way to tell him that you’d rather not be Emailed or told this stuff? that you like him, enjoy his company but that alerting you to all the dangers out there is having a negative effect on you?
Juan
Just because someone’s lost a loved one doesn’t mean they’re allowed to drive other people crazy. Who hasn’t been through a loss? Imagine if we all took the liberties and decided to behave rudely and inconsiderately! If he doesn’t comply with your reuest to stop, bombard his mailbox with every bit of trash and spam that comes your way, place him on mailing lists, etc. When he talks to you in person about the stuff, pretend to be busy. Eventually, he will get it.