Dear Judy,
I know this question isn’t totally up your alley, but maybe you’ll answer it anyway. Last year I married a widower (his wife died of stomach cancer two years ago), and we get along very well. He has three grown children with whom I have cordial relations — actually more than cordial. We spend some holidays together at my lakeside house; two of them have toddlers, and occasionally I babysit.
From the beginning of our romance, however, the mother-in-law (by which I mean the mother of my husband’s late wife) acted up openly and with an obvious determination to wound me. She hated me at first sight. She told my husband I would make him miserable; that I was nothing like her daughter; that her daughter was spinning in her grave. These days she invites him for dinner with his adult children, but tells him I can’t go (obviously, he doesn’t accept these invitations).
The adult children do go however, and I have to say that does make me mad. I don’t say anything though.
Should I? I think someone should speak up, don’t you?
June in Tampa
Dear June,
Speaking up isn’t going to change anything. Not now.
From the information you provided, several things become clear. 1) Your husband began a serious courtship very soon after his first wife’s death. 2) Your mother-in-law marveled at the speed of this courtship, and found it disrespectful to the memory of her late daughter. 3) She is still in the early and most painful stages of grief over her daughter’s death and for this reason will not be open to judicious or reasonable resolutions to her anger.
So. Big intake of breath here. Do nothing and say nothing right now. You have your husband’s affection and his loyalty. He does not accept invitations to dinners from which you have been excluded. You get along with his adult offspring. It is understandable that they might want to see their grandmother, with or without you. It is important for their toddlers to provide her with some solace and company.
In a year or two, you might try inviting the old bag — I mean your husband’s mother-in-law — to a quiet lunch, just the two of you, no loyal husband in tow. She may not accept.
On the other hand, she just might. And whatever the outcome of your gesture, at least you”ll have tried to make peace in the family.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Rightly or wrongly, the mother is assuming June was seeing her current husband while his first wife was still alive. And that the affair sped her to her grave. She shouldn’t be blamed for her suspicions — she’s grieving!!! She may even be right!! (I think she is right…) Calling her an ‘old bag’ because she doesn’t like or accept a woman she suspects of such conduct is downright rude, Judy.
Sure, why not wait a year? She’s only a greatgrandmother! She has all the time in the world… dumb comment, Judy
She lost her daughter in one way and thinks she’s losing her son in law in another way. Maybe she even thinks her grandchildren will follow suit. She’s scared, grieving. Your advice is totally off-target. You should have suggested the son-in-law go visit her, with or without his children. That way, he’ll have been kind to a sad, old lady, everyone will feel better, and the idea that two desperate women are in comptetition for affection will evaporate.
First she lost her daughter. Now she’s losing contact with her son-in-law. Obviously she’s worried her grandchildren will follow suit, and abandon her too. She’s scared. And lonely. Be generous. Encourage your husband to visit her. That might or might not bring her to your side, but it sure will make you feel better. Also — the constant fear that someone in the family is offending one of you two ladies must be driving everyone nuts.