Dear Judy,
My mother has cancer and while treatable, its not curable. I took my mom to all her appointments that led to her diagnosis (no help from my sister)and helped her find a good place for treatment - which happens to be an hour away. It’s the only place that has a specialist in her type of cancer.
She has to go twice a week. I have two small kids and I work full time but have Fridays off. So I take my mom on Fridays and my sister takes my mom on Tuesdays.
Here is my issue… I do almost everything. My sister does not drive - she never learned how (and personally, I think she is hiding behind that so she doesn’t ever have to do anything for anyone). My sister, who has NO job, has her husband taking off work every Tuesday and they both go with her to treatment.
That is the extent of her help. When a work commitment comes up for me, she will not help out and take a Friday. When my daughter was sick, I couldn’t stay home with her because my sister said she couldn’t leave the house her roof was getting fixed@ (Meanwhile, a friend of hers picked her up that very day to drive her around to look at quilts!!!)
Judy: I am at my wits end with this. I want to do as much as my can(and I do) but it BURNS ME UP that I have a full time job and 2 kids and my sister stays home all day literally playing on the computer while I run around like a crazy person making sure my mom is taking care of.
I have been sick 4 times this winter due to stress. No matter what happens with my mom, the only help I will have is on a Tuesday. We recently had it out over email where I told her EVERY single thing I feel.. for the first time. She did not respond. How will we ever work together on this??
Thank you for your help.
Eileen
Dear Eileen,
I’m really sorry about your mother’s illness, and of course also about the stress of caring for her which you seem to be enduring almost singlehandedly.
But I do have some concrete suggestions that might help alleviate some of that stress.
In the first place, have you looked around for a good hospice in your mother’s area? Hospice care is, just so you know, usually administered in the patient’s house by competent nurses and great volunteers. And about 80 percent of it is covered by Medicare (yes, almost free…) So it’s a wonderful resource: it might give your mother company and competent medical care. It is only for patients, like your mother, who will not get well. So that’s one possibility.
Second: I doubt your sister is going to get a driver’s license any time soon or become more helpful in any way. If you beg her to do what she refuses to do it’ll just get you angrier and make her more stubborn. But DO talk to her husband (obviously I don’t know the guy, but he seems to be, from your brief description, maybe more amenable to helping out?). Tell him your issues — small children, fulltime job, etc, and say you are desperate for help. Well it’s worth a try, right?
Third: your sister may indeed feel her time is so precious she has to go shopping for quilts rather than caring for your mother — but clearly she has cash on hand. Tell your sister you’ve discovered a way that would alleviate the “burden” on her: maybe she can help pay for extra care for your mother. (If you phrase it calmly and without sarcasm, she might be guilted into pitching in). Paid help is no substitute for her daughters of course, but maybe a driver to take her to the doctor’s or the hospital could be hired when you are up to your ears in work. Or a nice companion with a car.
Tell me if any of this helps. And take care of yourself, above all. You won’t be much of a help to anyone (including your own kids), unless you take some moments out of every day just for you: a great movie, a talk with your friends, a few chocolates.
Thanks for writing
Judy
I can bet you anything that the sister has an entirely different explanantion for the same facts. She probably believes that when their mother fell sick, Eileen made all the arrangements and all the decisions on her own — and allocated the only time in the schedule when she herself couldn’t perform (Tuesdays), to the sister. The sister feels that she is not being treated like a partner, but only as someone expected to fill in as a substitue. She also very likely feels she is constantly being judged. If Eileen wants to change this, and hopes to have some kind of decent relationship with her sister after their mother dies, she should initiate an honest conversation, mediated by an objective third party, probably a professional.
Eileen sounds like a caring person. She probably has many friends, and good friends can be better than bad family. They would be happy to help her when necessary. Recognizing need and asking for help are not a sign of weakness. If they were, it is permissible to be weak sometimes!
The only way this will work is if there is an ironclad agreement between the sisters that on one day a week the sister is responsible — and on another Eileen is resonsible. On the days that either has a problem, they should hire a taxi. In the long run it will lower stress and aggrievation
Make sure Eileen’s mother is aware of how much Eileen is shouldering — and indicate indirectly how unhelpful her sister is.I bet Eileen’s mother would get the message and get the message to the sister. And if there is any inheritance in the picture, this would affect how the unemployed sister behaves!
I would agree, Judy…hospice and palliative programs have social workers who deal with this sort of problem regularly. This writer needs to call in her nickels where ever they are. Church, neighbors, friends, if you can pull together enough people the tasks can be divided so not one person is doing it all. Then again, some folks do it all and complain they have no help. Either way, it is a hard row to hoe as they out here.
This may be the way your sister is dealing with your mother’s illness. She may be in denial. When my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, my brother went to Californina, and left me to take care of my mother. Yes, this was awful, and yes, it I was angry at him for a very long time. However, I did find it in my heart to forgive him. But, most importantly, I will always know that I stood by my mother in her time of need. It was not easy by all means. I understand how much you have on your plate right now. I recommend that you not use any more precious engery on your unhelpful sister. She will come to terms with what is happening in her own time. Yes, it seems so selfish of her right now, but things may change. You are doing the right thing. Always remember that. Take care, and I pray that you will have the strength to get through what you need to each day. You are in crisis mode right now. It may get worse before you feel better. However, stay strong, and focus on your mother for now.