Dear Judy,
Please help. I don’t know how to sort through my grandmother’s clothes in order to give some of the stuff away to charity, and keep the rest. In a way, I want to keep everything because my Dad and uncle threw out bags of the stuff (in garbage bags !!) –and I begged for it so they let me have it. They just took her money.
I really got to see the true colors of my so-called family after Grandma died. I have nothing to do with them anymore. When they get old I hope they can see what age does to people. I slept with my grandmother every night for 10 days until she died at the hospital. She raised me, and was the only one who gave me unconditional love. So much bad has happened that I find it so hard to part with her things. Its been 7 months — and it feels like an eternity without her.
I do have a good support from my husband, but he doesn’t know what to say. This is his first death experience. He comes from a very loving close family and I know he still can’t believe my so-called family behaved like this.
I just need some guidance on how to open the first bag,
Any help would be great please!
Ellie
Dear Ellie,
I am so very sorry about your grandmother: she sounds like she was a wonderful woman, and you were very lucky to have her and her unconditional love. I am certain, given the care you gave her when she was dying, that she was also lucky to have you.
I think what you need right now is to get some quiet time, take a deep breath and decide what it is that you want — and when you want it. Do you want memories of your grandmother flooding back now? In a month? A week?
Once you’ve made that decision, stick to it. If say, you feel able to confront the memories in a month, then open the bags of clothing at that time. Just plunge in. You may not be able to sort through her things all at once, so allow for that as well. It’s a process that may take a few days.
Then, when the worst has passed, make two different piles: decide what you want to keep, and what should be given to others. I imagine you will want to keep quite a few things: don’t be scared of that either.
And finally: about the family that continues to make you angry. Let go of the anger, if you possibly can. Right now you need to be kind to yourself. And the best way to do that is to abandon the unhappy memories, and guard the loving ones.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Whenever someone describes their entire family as unloving, uncaring or totally selfish, and insist that they are the only ones with any common human decency, I think a reality check is called for immediately, and not by the family. this youn g woman wants to drown herself in bags of an old lady’s leftovers, with which she will do what? Go out on the town? Dress her own children? Or will she simply hoard them out of nostalgia? Get a life, Ellie, and that doesn’t mean dwelling on an old dead lady. And get help, soon.
When people write wills, they should make sure that those who cared for them at the end, or did not care for them, should be rewarded accordingly. That way no one treats the deceased like garbage, both before and after they die, and still get to keep the money.
Garbage bags happen to be the most convenient way to move and store clothes and other soft items such as towels. Unless one has lots of spare suitcases, what is one to do when emptying an apartment, for example? While my comment may seem trivial, it indicates that Ellie harps on trivialities, and not necessarily correct ones, to draw far reaching conclusions. Likewise, maybe spending 10 days in the hospital was not necessary. The people who do not stay may not be as evil as she thinks they are. Perhaps her sorrow is overwhelming her to reality.
Ellie should have someone with her when she opens the first bag. It can be her husband who she says is supportive, or a member of his loving family, or a friend with whom she feels comfortable, maybe even a friend of her grandmother. Otherwise the experience will be emotional, even traumatic.
Ellie, I am so sorry for your loss. My mother had me when she was too young and if not for my grandmother’s kindness, I don’t know what my life would be like today. So I can identify with you. To help you deal with your problem maybe you should try to imagine what she would want you to do. My guess is as a giver, she would want her things to benefit people. For yourself, keep a few objects that remind you of her, and then give the rest, to a cause she woild appreciate.
Ellie should ask her husband to get grief therapy with her.
I am so sorry for your loss. I think of my “grammie” often. The older I get, the smarter she was! The few things I have are treasures.
Open the bags and have a good cry! Emotion is not a bad thing!