Dear Judy,
I read a very interesting question, posted on your site maybe 3 weeks ago about a guy who works with someone whose wife is dying — and the colleague doesn’t know whether to mention it or not when the two men run into each other in the elevator or before meetings.
I have the exact opposite problem. My wife is dying and I don’t want to discuss the subject at all with the people I work with. Or for that matter with anyone else. It’s just too painful. She has head and neck cancer. Sometimes I wish I was completely unconscious.
I try to lead as normal a life as possible, and believe me, it isn’t easy. In fact, work is my refuge from the hell at home (my wife is at home under hospice care, and there’s also a paid nurse with her now). And yet from time to time, I have to be absent from the office for obvious reasons.
So far, I’ve been using up my sick days that way. But they’re running out. Also, people are acting strangely. I think they think I’m a shirker. Do you have any suggestions? I don’t want to lose my job for a million different reasons. Chief among them, right now I definitely can’t afford to.
Hank in Chicago
Dear Hank,
Nothing I come up with will make you feel a whole lot better. Nonetheless, there’s an obvious resolution to your problem, and I think you know it better than anybody. You have to tell one person — your immediate superior — that your wife is dying.
I know it will be difficult. So write out what you need to say ahead of time, and try memorizing the essentials as best you can. When you discuss the issue, be brief and precise (I think that will prevent a meltdown, which is what I suspect you fear most).
Tell your superior the nature of the illness, how much time doctors suspect your wife will have left, and the conditions of her care. My guess is this will resolve the issue, and obviate the need to talk about it with anyone else.
Take care of yourself. And thank you for writing,
Judy
maybe people are acting strangely not because they think you are shirking but because they have heard what is going on, and don’t know how to approach you?