Question: Dear Judy,
I have a cousin who has pancreatic cancer which has now spread to the liver. Everyone in the family knows that he is dying except him. He is determined to fight this literally to the end, which is driving the rest of us crazy.
I wonder, when one finds a helpful site, such as “TheCheckoutLine” or maybe a book or documentary related to dying, is it appropriate to send this resource to someone who’s terminally ill, if he’s still in denial? And what about telling others about such a resource knowing that death and particularly dying seems to be a touchy subject?
Or should I keep the whole reality thing to myself and let everyone find their own way of coping?
Marianne in New York City
Dear Marianne,
If your cousin’s friends and relatives know and accept that he is dying, by all means show them TheCheckoutLine.org and any other resource you find helpful. But if a terminally ill person is still in denial, the smartest and kindest thing you can do is talk with him — about anything he wants. Don’t forget: he has the right to be in denial. You, who are not going through the ordeal, have no rights in this matter.
That doesn’t mean you have to be complicit in his self-delusion or spout lies about longevity or miracle cures. Sometimes simply asking, “Is there anything you would like to discuss with me?” Or, “Is there any way you think I can help you?” unleashes a flood of confidances. So talk. And wait.
And thanks for writing.
Judy
