Dear Judy,
For the past 10 years I’ve had breast cancer (first one, then the other breast, and there’s been some metastasis even after the mastectomies). I think I’m not going to be okay forever, maybe not even next year. But for the moment, I’m holding steady with chemo.
I have no hair. I do wear a wig almost always, but I know I lost a lot of weight. My friends are acting strange, as though they were already at my funeral tossing flowers on the coffin. My husband won’t touch me. I think he’s afraid.
What should I do? I’m okay for now, but nobody acts that way.
Cassie
Dear Cassie,
Yours is one of the most frequently asked questions I get. And it’s one big reason people with chronic illnesses don’t advertise them: they are afraid of the reactions of the people closest to them.
And of course some of these tentative or pitying responses are the result of fear. Fear for you. And fear on the part of friends and spouses for themselves. We are all very vulnerable to bad luck. And we all know one day or other our luck will run out.
So my advice is first: understand that these inappropriate reactions that discomfit you are not caused by malice on the part of either your husband or friends. And second: Also understand that you have to talk about it with them.
I’m not suggesting a long talk. But start with your husband: tell him you know he is scared. But also tell him now is the time when you need affection.
And then tell your friends much the same. I think you’ll find their reactions will be love mixed with relief that you were brave enough to tackle the unspoken.
Thanks for writing
Judy
