Dear Judy,
My mother is dying from uterine cancer (Stage IV). I tremble at the thought of losing my mother. I’ve tried to prepare myself for this upcoming loss as best I can. Still, I know I’m not ready.
When my mother has good days, I am able to relax. When she has bad days (pain/suffering) my head spins.
I’ve done my best to see that my mother receives all the care she would accept. Although she’s under hospice care, I’ve been her only real caretaker for the last 6 months. She refuses an attendant, chemo and radiation. Her response to intervention is that she only wants me.
How do I learn to face the awful loss of knowing I will soon never hear her voice again?
Janine
Dear Janine,
I am so very sorry about your mother. I understand how devastated you are. It sounds, from what you write, as though you have a loving and enduring relationship with your mother, and I think maybe that’s what you should concentrate on: the love rather than the loss.
It will help you get through some hard times. Not all hard times, but some.
Now to another important point. You mention that your mother is under hospice care, but that she still suffers. This should not be. Hospice nurses are really competent at controlling pain. They dispense medication more powerful and effective than the kind prescribed by ordinary doctors: I’m talking here about morphine as well as methodone.
I think if you persuaded your mother, without making a big deal of it, she might allow a momentary visit from a nurse who could ease her suffering.
And finally, you asked how you might go on without hearing your mother’s voice. My bet is you’ll always hear your mother’s voice. Maybe not out loud, but inside.
And that’s the most important place to hear anything.
Thank you for writing
Judy
I think Janine is having an extreme response here to her mother’s terminal condition, and while I’m very sympathetic, I believe it’s going to get worse. I am a therapist, and my guess is that she is an only child and there was no father in the picture. So the loss will be of more than a mother, it will be the loss of a family.
In my opinon — she will need serious grief therapy. In fact she might consider geting some help now, so she is ready when the time comes.
Grief and related emotions are what make us human. We should embrace them and not look for ways to avoid them, as Nora sugests, while drumming up business for her trade.
I agree with Nora. I wonder if Willie knows what (s)he’s talking about.
I would suggest that Janine start keeping a journal to get her thoughts & emotions about this experience on paper. It will be really valuable for her to relate to after. there’s so much to say.
My experience is that it’s the left-brain telling you to put one foot in front of the other that will save you from the calamity you are experiencing from your emotional right brain.
-Been there.