Dear Judy,
Recently, a good friend from my college days told me he had esophogeal cancer. And I was at a total loss for words, I’m ashamed to say,
How do I respond to such bad news? “I’m sorry” seems pretty lame. If I ask about the prognosis, it makes it seem like I’m asking, “So how soon are you going to die?”
I’m afraid that what I actually said was, “Oh, that’s really awful.” Which makes me cringe whenever I think about it.
Do you have a suggestion?
Simon
Dear Simon,
I’m very sorry about your friend. Esophogeal cancer is very bad news and just so you know, the prognosis is grim.
Please notice how I began the response (in fact, it’s how I begin many responses to my readers): I’m very sorry. That is actually is perfectly compassionate and decent response to terrible news. You can follow it with, “Is there anything I can do to help?” — along with a few suggestions in case your friend is shy about asking.
For example, you might offer to drive him to medical appointments, or go grocery shopping for him, or phone mutual acquaintances, if that’s what he wants.
In other words, as in many difficult situations, the best response is the simplest: I’m so sorry. And then the most concrete: I’ll be happy to help out in any way I can.
Thank you for writing.
Judy
Your advice is right on the mark. I’ve been there, so I know what I’m talking about too. Anything too complicated comes out as insincere. The person knows that the diagnosis is bad news -and for you. So it is important to just be yourself, follow your instincts.
In my opinion, it’s not too late. Simon can still approach his friend, explain he was overwhelmed by the news, and then say expalin how sorry he is — and to offer to help.