Dear Judy,
My mother is dying of breast cancer. This is her third bout, and on top of it she has emphysema and COPD from 40 years of smoking. She is living with me until she passes.
When she was first diagnosed she had a doomsday attitude, twisting every word the doctors told her. For instance, telling people she had 2 years to live, when the doctors really told her that the type of chemo she was taking usually remains effective for between 2 and 5 years.
Worse, after each hospital stay, she has steadily gone downhill, expecting more and more of me, even though she is capable of performing some tasks on her own. My husband and I do most of the caregiving, even though I have two siblings who are “off the hook.” And the stress is becoming intolerable: my mother sometimes doesn’t eat, takes pills only when she feels like it, and doesn’t get out of bed to do anything on some days.
She also screams at me for no reason, as though I were harrassing her. The only thing that makes her happy is her grandson who, unfortunately, lives an hour away. It has gotten to the point that I don’t want to see her any more. I feel that if all she’s going to do is lie in bed all day, then why is she even alive?
I don’t know if my feeling is normal, and I feel horribly guilty about all these things because she’s my mother — but I can’t help it. I’m seriously thinking about having her stay in a nursing home, but if I did that I don’t think she’d ever talk to me again. Especially because I bought our house so she could live with us.
From what the doctors say, she still has over a year to live. How am I going to cope?
Celia
Dear Celia,
First, I want to say how much I admire you for taking in your sick mother and dealing with her as best you can despite all the difficulties and despite her rage over dying.
Second, I want to say: you are doing too much. You mentioned you have 2 siblings. They have to pitch in, and it is your job now to guilt them into doing it. I don’t care if they live an hour away or 3 continents away, they must help out: either financially (so you can get hire a caretaker to help with some of the chores) or in person, so you can be relieved of the more burdensome duties on some days. You and your husband cannot be there 24/7 for a very sick and angry woman, even if she is your mother. No one can.
Second, I want you to investigate hospice care. As you possibly know, hospice nurses, volunteers and social workers usually only help out in the home — and only when the patient has around 6 months to live. However, given the uncertainty of your mother’s prognosis, I am sure it’s possible her doctors may suggest to a local hospice that she has “around” 6 months left. If it turns out she outlives that prognosis, hospices tend to be very flexible and continue serving the patient.
That way you’ll have someone on hand, nurses and volunteers, to make sure your mother takes her meds and eats. That too might relieve your stress.
And finally I want to say something about your mother. Dying — especially when the patient has emphysema (which shuts off a lot of oxygen to the brain) – can be a terrible event in some people. It can, in certain instances, lead to reduced brain function and untargeted fury, at everyone or anyone. I have seen it a lot in hospice work, among patients who barely know me. It’s blitzkrieg rage, aimed at the person nearest them, sometimes the volunteer. It’s nothing personal. But it hurts.
This doesn’t mean your mother no longer loves you. It just means she can no longer control her sorrow and depression. After all, some of her illnesses (emphysema and COPD) she brought on herself through years of smoking. She knows this. She is angry about it. She can no longer control destiny or even much of her own body, which is in full revolt.
Understand these things, and feel good about yourself. You are doing all you can. Now it is up to others to do their part. Your husband might be just the person to prod them into doing the right thing. Meanwhile consult her doctors about the possibillity of getting hospice help.
Thank you for writing
Judy
xxx
It’s a difficult situation by any standards. But it is exacerbated by a pattern of victimhood which you have adopted. Until you take control of your life, nothing will improve. You are enabling your siblings to be “off the hook” and permtting your mother to be rude to you. Se your limits and take your life back.
I know exactly how you feel and wish you strenth and love to cope with things. I like you see myself as a victim and hope as Betty says to take some control and ask for help.