Dear Judy,
My mother has Stage IV ovarian cancer. Things are bad, I can’t bring myself to be more specific right now or I’ll break down.
She keeps planning trips for the two of us (my father divorced her 8 years ago) for “next summer” or even later when she gets “better” –it’s crazy.
How do I break it to her gently that these trips will never take place? That she’s dying? I don’t want to hurt her more than she has been hurt, but I don’t want to spin lies either, or go along with her fantasies.
Jamie
Dear Jamie,
Sometimes terminally ill people acknowledge reality right away. Sometimes they take their time. Sometimes they never do.
I always say the terminally ill person is the boss. If she wants to avoid or ignore impending death, then that is her right. Her final right, you might say. It’s not up to us to set her straight. In her heart she knows what’s going on anyway. She’s just doing whatever she has to do to keep going.
You of course are free not to “spin lies” as you put it. Although I wouldn’t call any of this a lie — just a fantasy. When your mother talks about future trips she’s planning for the two of you, you can simply nod without saying much. Or you can deftly change the subject. Or you can say, “Wouldn’t that be wonderful,” without transforming wishful thinking into a likely plan.
But in your place I wouldn’t “break it gently” –ever. Think of these vacation plans as a set of crutches. Your mother needs them, and it would be cruel to throw them away.
Thank you for writing
Judy
When Jamie says the mother is planning trips, is she implying losing money? For example, might she be buying airline tickets which are not refundable? In that case, someone should put a stop to it.
Judy, your advice is perfect. Jamie must provide support, not an education to a dying woman.
Am I the only one here who thought of suggesting a mini-vacation? Nothing strenuous or expensive: a weekend in a nearby hotel, a few days in a spa. The mother seems to long for a holiday, for a break from her terrible situation. Maybe a break would be good for Jamie too.
Judy, your advice is great on this one. Simply let Mom talk about it without agreeing or trying to argue her out of it. Let her know you are enjoying your time together now.
Katya (love that name!), you are so right as well, a mini vacation may be just what she needs.
I always think…denial is a tool, it is working for her right now.