Dear Judy,
I see from reading your advice column (I am new to thecheckoutline) that you get people writing in all the time about supposedly sympathetic friends and acquaintances who make dumb remarks about the dead. These people ask you what to say in reply.
I have a fairly special situation. My sister was shot dead in the course of a robbery. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
She was only 23, and she was very bright and a kind person. She will never marry. She will never know what it is to have kids or a home of her own or even a vacation in Paris. She deserved all these things. If you had known her, you would know what I mean.
When people I know learn how my sister died — or learn that the person they read about in the newspaper was my sister — they act very weird. One person in my office actually told me she had a puppy who died of distemper, so she knew what it was to lose a loved one prematurely and very suddenly.
I really couldn’t believe anyone could make such a comparison. If it was the only horrible remark, maybe I could forget about it. But it wasn’t. No one knows what I am suffering, and I wish they wouldn’t act as if they do.
Do you have any suggestions? I just don’t know what to say when acquaintances claim to understand my grief.
Adrienne
Dear Adrienne,
This is the worst time for you, so there’s practically nothing anyone can say to appease your anger and your pain. Obviously, there are plenty of idiots in this world: your office acquaintance who implicitly compared your sister’s murder to the death of her dog may or may not be among them. But if it’s any consolation (and I realize that for the moment consolation, as far as you’re concerned, is in short supply), I suspect your colleague meant well.
The problem is: death is bad enough, but the relatives of people who are murdered have to deal with far more than death. They have to absorb the idea that those they love died out of another person’s malicious intent.
After such a tragic instance, it is very is hard to accept that such malice is confined to simply one human being. Almost everyone else becomes just as suspect.
But I’m going to ask you anyway to try to give others the benefit of the doubt. Most of your acquaintances don’t know anything appropriate to say because they haven’t shared the kind of tragedy you’ve experienced. My suggestion? Turn to someone expert in dealing with unhappiness: a competent therapist. I think that will give you a chance to unload your grief in a safe and sympathetic environment.
And right now that’s about the most important thing you can do for yourself.
Thank you for writing — and from time to time, write and tell me how you’re doing
Judy
You are so right, Judy. Adrienne is justifiably upset with people’s responses to her pain. But I think she needs help to avoid becoming bitter and angry at those who wish her well but have no idea how.
This whole thread brings to mind a bigger picture. Loss is so personal…is there a benefit to “knowing” you are leaving or going to lose someone or is there a benefit to going quickly without being able to say what needs to be said? I don’t pretend to know the answer.
Judy you were right on with your responses and it will make me think twice about grief and loss in general.
Thanks for all you do and for giving folks a place to discuss the undiscussable.
Judy, I agree. And I wonder if Adrienne might benefit from talking with people who have been through something approximating this awful loss. I know loss leaves a lot of my clients feeling furious and alone. Talking with others who have had experiences like theirs has seemed to often help. Better than talking with people coping with pet loss!
checked it out. great stuff. good idea.: “Respond to News of A Murder | The Checkout Line”. Added to my RSS Thanks for the good times reading your blog
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Great advice, thank you!
very interesting. thank you!