Dear Judy
You’ll think this strange. I’m in good health give or take a little PMS. My husband, though, had testicular cancer in his early 20’s. He’s okay, has been for 24 long years, but any mention of disease or the even bigger D really spooks him.
And I guess maybe I think about his former condition and the possibilities that might arise in the future. I don’t discuss it though. Here’s the thing: I think I want to look at hospices in our area, and not because I’m morbid. I just think I’d like to check them out — in case.
If I mention this to my husband though, he’d freak. So what should I do?
Lydia
Dear Lydia,
Checking out local hospices before you or anyone you really like needs their services is a very smart idea. It’s a lot like checking out colleges before June senior year of high school: not the kind of thing you want to leave until the last minute.
Here’s what to look for. Even though the likelihood is you’ll never be in the in-patient unit (IPU) but will be receiving hospice care at home.
Call and make an appointment with the hospices of your choice. Ask to look around the IPU, because that’s as sound an indication as any of the nature of the institution. Is the IPU clean? Is the environment friendly? Are there nurses and a doctor around? (if not, there’s trouble).
Talk to volunteers. If no volunteers are around, that’s more trouble because volunteers keep a hospice going. They are also likely to be the most candid about conditions there. Ask nurses how long they’ve worked at the hospice: if it seems like none of them has been there more than a year or 2, that’s more trouble.
And above all, inquire if there are nurses and volunteers who live near where you and your husband do. That’s important because the last thing a terminally ill person needs is a no-show volunteer or nurse due to inclement weather or a bad traffic jam.
Oh — and by the way? Go alone. If your husband “freaks,” as you put it, at the mere thought of dying, spare him — and the hospice personnel — that scene.
We are all going to die one day, but do we go around looking for hospices? Do we check out any other services we may need in the future? The man has been healthy and sound a full 24 years, half his life, and his paranoid wife obssesses about his dying.Ok, so she’s a nut. but do you have to go along with her nuttiness? Any information she collects now will likely be irrelevant when needed. The best advice you should have given her is to loosen up and enjoy life with her man, rather than live this crazy terrified life. Think about it.
Lydia is one smart lady. Even without her husband’s medical history, she should know about local hospices. We all know exactly what we would do if a million extra dollars suddenly landed in our laps, and what are the chances of that, compared to needing decent medical care at any age?
Judy, Lydia sounds like she is living (existing really) waiting for the “shoe to drop”. To explain 24 healthy years together with her husband as “long” tells me she is anxious and may actually be so stressed about what might happen that she can not enjoy the present.
So…shop for a hospice and a funeral, if it makes her feel better. But it sounds like a really good counselor may be in order for Lydia so she can de stress herself and learn to enjoy the gift of health she has been given. She needs to learn to it is ok to actually enjoy the present :).
Hey Judy, 24 years ago there were roaches in my neighborhood. Should I shop around for an exterminator, just in case they come back anytime in the future? Am I clear, or need I spell it out?
Thank you, Jeanne Frye, for expressing so well what i meant to say. I almost feel that Lydia’s husband let her down by remaining healthy! Perhaps, like Judy, she should volunteer at a hospice, and so provide an outlet for those feelings of compassion and pity which may have led her to marry her husband in the first place.
Helene, you are so right. It makes me wonder how much of our time we spend “worrying” about things that might occur, rather than enjoying what we have (and what we don’t have, like illness). These kinds of posts bring us back to what is really important. Thank you for sharing