Dear Judy,
My girlfriend has been in an out of the hospital for over 2 years (she has a brain tumor that shrinks, and then grows back). I work for a living, but I am also obviously at her side a good deal, and when I’m not — when I’m at our apartment, trying to catch a few winks — the phone is ringing constantly.
Apparently all her “good friends” want to know how she is, but none of them is quite good enough to help out with the things that really matter: ie. walking her dog, bringing meals, helping out with her meds, etc.
I am really bone-tired. Tired of doing double-duty by her bedside, and then triple-duty with the chores. And then answering the phone calls from so-called friends with the same old questions, and delivering the same old answers. In fact, I’m practically hoarse from talking.
Any suggestions?
Roy
Dear Roy,
Yes. I suggest you do what the very smart friends of sick people often do: organize. That means you get the emails of all these well-meaning but do-nothing friends who phone constantly (ask them for their emails when they call). And then do a mass emailing.
“Dear Friend: ‘Molly’ and I are so happy you are concerned about your health. Many of you have been inquiring about what you can do to help out. Here are some suggestions…”
Then list exactly what ‘Molly’ needs done: dog-walking, food preparation, household help, etc.
I realize you think these friends are just curiosity-seekers, and not all that interested in helping out. But actually, a surprising number of people are willing to help. They just need to be told what to do.
So tell them. Offer a few suggestions. And equally important, get a close friend to organize the group (that’s so 19 people don’t volunteer to walk the dog in one day…)
You’ll be pleasantly surprised. And you and your friend will get a lot of much-needed assistance.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Yeah. I agree. No need to answer the phone every time it rings.
Personally, I think Judy’s advice is right on…. Some people phone just to show they care, or more exactly to prove they care, and nothing more. People should be encouraged to do something real to help. That way they won’t waste time on useless chatter.
My opinion: Roy might start asking for help, and then find a friend to deal with it. I mean he doesn’t want to handle calls from the people who undertook to walk the dog — for some reason or other can’t come through, does he now?
Could consider making a blog or signing up for a page at sites like Caring Bridge so that people can go there for the update and leave messages. Many families I work with have found this can significantly cut down on calls.
Actually, Christian, that’s a great idea. And Caring Bridge is a wonderful site. I second your suggestion. Best Judy
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