Dear Judy,
My brother od’d almost a year ago, just as I was starting my sophomore year of college here in Wisconsin. He was two years older than me, and in the family we all knew about his problem with drugs. But his sudden death really hit me hard anyway, mainly because a lot of my sorority sisters and other people know I have a brother — he came to visit once, and a lot of girls thought he was really good looking. And they don’t realize he’s dead now, because I just can’t tell them.
To this day they ask how he is etc. And I really can’t bring myself to say anything more than “Fine.” And that’s it. I’ve never discussed his death with anyone outside the immediate family. Mostly because I know I’ll start crying and crying and won’t be able to stop, and I just don’t want to do that while I’m out drinking or partying or something. Maybe also because I’m ashamed? I don’t know.
Can you help?
Beth
Dear Beth,
I’m sure you’re feeling all sorts of things now: pain over your brother’s death, guilt that you can’t bring yourself to reveal the news to friends; and yes, shame — a kind of family shame, absurd as that may be, I guess, that he died as he did.
I think in order to sort all those emotions out, you’re going to have to find a really intelligent therapist. Please note the adjective — and discard anyone who doesn’t fit the bill. There are, unfortunately, a number of therapists around who are seriously inept.
I know it hurts to say anything other than “Fine” when someone asks about your handsome brother. But some day or other your sorority friends and others will discover the truth of the matter. And I think that truth, however sad, might be best coming from you. Get someone good to help you say it.
And let me know how you’re doing as time passes.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
Weird. i wonder what else this person is hiding.