Dear Judy,
I read the email from the woman whose boyfriend was killed in a car accident when his sister was driving — it’s the only thing that gives me the guts to write you right now.
I’m living with guilt day and night and it doesn’t stop for a second. I killed a pedestrian 2 years ago. I was driving late at night; I saw someone suddenly dart across the street, slammed on the brakes so hard my neck almost snapped. But it was too late. I called the cops and an ambulance and waited there until they came and told them what happened, and obviously there was an investigation.
Nothing ever happened to me. I wasn’t charged. I’ll never know why this person, a young woman, ran across the street like she did, like a crazy person, without warning late at night. My neck still hurts, but the worst of it is I can’t get the sight of that dead body out of my mind. She was dead on arrival at the hospital.
Sometimes I think I want to die myself
I tried contacting the family of the woman in recent months, but no one wants to talk to me. That hurts too. I can’t sleep and can’t keep the image of that woman out of my mind.
Please help.
Ron
Dear Ron,
I am sure I am not the only person to tell you this: You have to speak to a therapist who is really smart and sympathetic. And you need to do it right away. Two years is too long for the kind of relentless guilt and agony you’re enduring.
If you know anyone who’s found help that way, ask that person for the name and number of his therapist. If you don’t, maybe your own internist knows a good therapist. But you have to do it soon, if only to get some sleep.
About the family of the pedestrian: don’t contact them again. I know you meant well. But if they don’t want to discuss the incident with you or grant you (as you clearly wish from them) absolution, there’s nothing to be done. It’s important to remember that their attitude has nothing to do with you as a person: they may know perfectly well you aren’t at fault. They may simply need to mourn in private.
When you find a good therapist, write back if you wish and tell me how you’re doing.
Meantime, thank you for writing
Judy
Ron can help himself by volunteering time or money to an organization involved with road accidents. If where he lives there is a education plan to teach children how to behave in traffic, or a rehabilitation place for victims of accidents, maybe a social worker knows of someone who was in an accident and needs help, he can do that.
How inconsiderate of Ron to expect the bereaved family to help him unload his guilt!
Fon needs to be referred to a crises intervention line and encouraged to call for a referral asap. Thoughts of “dying” can not be taken lightly. Aside from that, we all work on forgiving ourselves for things done and things not done. It was an ACCIDENT. I heard a story recently about a plane that had crashed with no survivors. The report included a statement from a family member who claimed their loved one had “missed” the flight, only to be killed in an auto accident the next day. Maybe even bad things that happen have a reason.
Hi, someone died because of me too, in a car accident. I can’t deal with it it has been two years for me as well. Have you gone to therapy or anything yet? If so tell me about it, i need to do something about this but i can’t make the first step.