Dear Judy,
I can hardly bear to write this, I’m so embarrassed. My sister died a year ago, more or less. It wasn’t a surprise: she had uncontrollable diabetes, and she was very weak and overweight and also didn’t care of herself the way she should have.
My problem is her husband. I’ve been crazy about him for a few years now. I never told him or anyone. My feelings for him are getting worse. Meaning they’re getting stronger. He was very upset by my sister’s death, even though it was pretty obvious she would die. I was sad too, but obviously conflicted about many things.
Would it be bad for me to tell this man how I feel about him? If I do, I know my mother will freak. She was abandoned by my father right after I was born, so she has a lot of thoughts on the subject of love and marriage, as you can imagine.
I don’t know what to do, which is why I’m writing you.
Randi
Dear Randi,
I’m in a really bad position here since you haven’t given me a clue about your brother-in-law — namely, whether or not he’s ever shown any indication that he’s interested in you. Which is a fairly important factor here.
I’d also say, given that your sister has been dead only a year (”more or less,” as you mention), that it might be way too soon for you to broach the subject of your feelings to this man.
The very fact that you feel, as you put it, “embarrassed” by your emotions suggests that now is not the time to discuss anything personal with him. Frankly, it may never be the time. I am of the firm belief that if your brother-in-law ever does get around to reciprocating your affection, he will not be shy about acknowledging it in his own time, in his own way.
As for your mother: I don’t think this is her affair, and I wouldn’t give the issue a second’s thought. In fact, I don’t think it’s anyone’s affair right now.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Let it go. Do not do anything.
When Randi’s brother in law starts dating or hooking-up or whatever, and after has seen a few women, not a minute sooner, that will be the time to disclose her feelings.
Are there children involved? That would make a potential match so much more exciting… and appropriate, I guess. However it would also make the attempt at romance so much riskier, For everyone