Dear Judy,
I feel so terrible, I don’t know where to turn. My friend of 10 years (we live together) has Stage III prostate cancer, which has spread. I know he will die. But I also know I wish he would die now.
Obviously, I’ve never shared any of this with him or anyone. It makes me sick to see him, I am depressed all the time and nothing I can do can make him or me feel better or less depressed. I have tried.
Sometimes at night when he’s asleep (he takes plenty of pain-killers) I just can’t stop thinking and wishing it were over. I feel so guilty.
What can I do?
Felicity
Dear Felicity,
I am very sorry about your friend. It is painful for you, even more painful for him. And you’re right: very likely the only event that will ease his misery is death itself.
What can you do? Well the first thing — and you’re of course already doing it — is to avoid sharing your late-night thoughts with your friend. The second: share them with someone professional, a therapist in other words. I know that won’t help your friend.
But therapy will help you by giving you a chance to vent — and the therapist a chance to tell you how you can alleviate your own misery. Sessions with a professional will, for instance, help lessen your guilt. From long experience with the issue, I can tell you one thing for sure: wanting someone in pain to die is not unusual. What you’re feeling is perfectly normal.
And finally, don’t count on your friend’s death to make you feel a lot better. This will be a long haul. And you need someone by your side — on your side — to help you weather it.
Thank you for writing
Judy
