Dear Judy,
I thought your advice yesterday to that woman whose friend had leukemia — and who refused to acknowledge she was terminal, despite her doctor’s prognosis – was shameful!
No. 1 — the dying need to put, as her own doctor put it, their affairs in order. So lying to yourself just means that when the time comes, nobody knows what you wanted: when and how to die, how and where to be buried, who to leave your estate to — etc.
No 2 — lying is just a bad idea, period. Even if it’s lying to yourself. We all need to face up to dying. Surely you, Judy, given your daily column online, know that much.
Sheila
Dear Sheila,
I understand the points you’re making and even agree with them. But yesterday’s issue wasn’t a case of lying. Or at least not outright lying. It was a case of refusing to acknowledge.
Well sometimes the terminally ill need to hide from the truth temporarily. And that, in my opinion, is what the writer’s good friend was doing. Hiding from the truth until the day she could manage to confront it.
The dying, like the rest of us in making important decisions, need time and thought. I think she was entitled to have both. And let’s hope her Living Will as well as her funeral instructions and her last bequests were made long ago, while she was still well.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Couldn’t have said it better than Sheila (although I did try, in my comment yesterday). You have an advice column and people listen to you. That gives you a big responsibility. Today you add the weasly line “let us hope’.” However yesterday you were categorical about not getting involved. Not very profesional, if you ask me,
Sheila: the friend of the woman who wrote yesterday knows exactly what’s going on. She is coping with it in her own way. For instance: we don’t go around telling people that they are fat, even though obesity can cause big health issues. Why? Because the obese know they’re obese! Yesterday’s cancer patient knew she was terminally ill, but will cope with it in her own way. No need to shove her face into it.
If Sheila thinks being delicate with a dying person constiutes lying, I am glad she is not my friend!
People have to face death in their own way, and in their own time. Sometimes “denial” isn’t the worst thing because it lets one go on, even if it is imaginary. Lori has it absolutely right–there is no doubt sub-consciously Sheila’s friend knows her sitaution, but has chosen to refuse to accept it consciously. Good for her!
Judy, interesting posts to be sure…If we think that most people “know” they are dying or at the very least, not getting better, that is probably true. But knowing something and verbalizing it can be be a different matter.
Tips for friends or relatives of those who are with those who just will not admit they are dying:
1. Tell them you will be on their team no matter what. Apply hug.
2. Reinforce reality in baby steps…”I’ve noticed you are not eating much, do you have an appetite for anything special?” “You seem to be sleeping alot more now?” etc….
3. Tell them you will be there for them no matter what….yes, there is a theme here!
4. “This is hard for both of us.” Acknowledgement helps. Apply another hug.
5. Practice being a “presence” ….just be there, and listen. “Can we just sit together? ”
Just my 2.5 cents….Thanks to the group for sharing!