Dear Judy,
A slight acquaintances of mine lost her husband about a year ago. I never wrote her a note — I really don’t know her that well. However, when I saw her recently at a party, I felt I really wanted to say something to her about her loss. But it was so long ago I hesitated.
Do people with a death in the family want to be reminded of it? Or would they appreciate someone mentioning the deceased? What would be the most tactful and kindest thing to say at a party — if anything at all?
Sam in New York
Dear Sam,
Ummm…What do you mean by suggesting that those who have experienced the death of a spouse might not like to be ”reminded of it”? They honestly haven’t forgotten. If what you mean is, a widow might not want to discuss her husband’s dying moments at a cocktail or dinner party — well, very likely that’s true. However, there’s no need to go into the details just then, is there?
Yours is a textbook case of why people should write condolence notes to those they know socially, even if the widow isn’t their best friend. Had you done so, you wouldn’t have felt embarrassed about bringing up the subject later on.
But to answer your direct question: Can one tactfully refer to a death at a social gathering? That depends on the moment. If you and the widow happen to be talking together, with no one else listening in, by all means mention how sad you were to learn of her husband’s death. She will likely appreciate your concern, even if she tears up a little. If there are lots of people around, wait until the crowd has dispersed.
But at some point please do mention the poor dead guy. Preferably by name.
Thanks for writing
Judy
I lost a spouse tragically, and encountered this same mentality from others who, for one reason or another, never contacted me at the time of his death. They would offer awkward condolences in seemingly inappropriate settings. And while sometimes it was shocking or unexpected to have these expressions of sadness in a situation that didn’t seem the right time nor place, if the expression was heartfelt I deeply appreciated it.
In my opinion the most tactful and kind thing to say is simply the truth: “I didn’t contact you because I didn’t know what to say; and now, I just want to tell you that I’m sorry for your loss.”
Someone said very similar words to me more than a year after my husband died; it was honest and it was meant to express compassion, and it didn’t bother me at all.