Dear Judy,
My wife and I are writing from Great Britain (don’t specify city, please) because we don’t know where else to turn. Last summer our son, then 13, went swimming with his mates. They were abroad, on a trip sanctioned by their school and our son and six of his friends got separated from the rest of the larger group.
To shorten the story a bit, one of the boys in this smaller group drowned. He couldn’t swim at all well, it seems, but he wanted to impress the others, and went along when they decided to go swimming. He went under almost immediately when a strong current swept him away, and his head hit a rock. We don’t know if it was the blow or the lack of oxygen, or both, that killed him. But the result was truly tragic.
Our son feels awful of course, as do we. However, every time I run into the dead boy’s mum — and I do often, because the family doesn’t live far from us and we’re bound to meet– she screams at me, or at my wife if she’s in earshot, and tells us our son was responsible for her boy’s death. That our son led her boy astray, prodded him to swim when he really wasn’t good at it, and so on. Everyone around can hear although we pretend not to, and just go about our business as though we are both deaf.
Honestly, we don’t believe our son did anything wrong. A great tragedy occurred, and I think the whole school is still suffering. But so are we, suffering. It is horrible to be called the parents of a murderer, especially in public.
Do you have any suggestions?
James
Dear James,
This is one of those instances where the situation is so awful that there are no easy answers. But I do notice you don’t mention the dead teenager’s father. If you happen to know the father and your previous encounters, before the boy died, have been friendly, it might help to try to contact him. Try phoning him, and ask for a private meeting.
If he is willing to talk, you might tell him of your own grief over the loss of his son. And you might also tell him how sad your own son is over the death of a school friend. And you might mention that although you sympathize with his wife and her loss, that her accusations are causing great pain and doing a fair amount of harm to your family.
If this doesn’t work, you should contact your son’s headmaster quickly. Someone has to put a stop to those accusations. I am not thinking here simply of you and your wife. Your son’s well-being is also at risk. He cannot thrive in a neighborhood when he is labeled a murderer.
Thank you for writing
Judy
