Dear Judy,
I noticed that yesterday you had a question from a friend of a woman with kidney infection and liver failure. I have a friend with kidney cancer. She’s my best friend.
I think, like the friend of your email correspondent yesterday, that my friend too is refusing to acknowledge defeat. Which in her case means death.
We have lived together four years, and I have power of attorney and also durable power of attorney for health care issues, including do-not-resuscitate orders. Last Friday, my friend’s doctor told me she has a few more weeks to live, no more.
I am so torn. Do I tell my friend what the doctor said? Do I keep it quiet? Part of me feels she knows it anyway, but doesn’t want to acknowledge it. Shall I let her continue that way until death comes?
Please help. I don’t know what the moral answer is to this question.
Lainie
Dear Lainie,
I don’t know what the moral answer is either. But I do know what the kindest answer is.
It seems to me you know your friend better than anybody. You’ve noticed she does not choose to acknowledge what you call “defeat.” In other words, she prefers to keep going as though death doesn’t exist, even though subliminally of course she knows it is likely around the corner.
So in your shoes, I would play by her rules. Don’t lie to her. Don’t tell her she’ll recover, or that the disease can be controlled. But don’t spell out the obvious.
I think that’s the way she wants it. And who’s to say she’s wrong?
Thank you for writing,
Judy
Lainie has power of attorney and durable power of attorney for health. But does she know if her friend has-or needs-a viable Will? If not. this is something to put into the equation. Judy — you also didn’t address whether or not the information should be shared with her friend’s immediate family. They should know!!!
Francis