Dear Judy,
Last year, my husband’s father died. His side of the family spent $24,000 on the funeral (casket, lined vault, large engraved headstone, violins, limos, the works).
My mother just died yesterday: I am not overwhelmed for a lot of reasons. We didn’t get along and she was expected to die for quite some time, among those reasons. My husband’s people are expecting me to give Mom the same kind of send-off given to my late father-in-law.
I just don’t want to. I think it’s a waste of money.
They think it’s because I never got along with my mother.
So any advice on what to do?
Gwen
Dear Gwen,
Advice? You don’t need advice! You know what to do.
She’s your mother. Whether or not you got along, whether or not her death was expected or a shock, you are in the best position to gauge what’s desirable or necessary. Possibly you had discussions with her on this very subject. In any case: You are the only one fit to make decisions — and also the only one who has to open (or close) the purse strings.
My advice: make no excuses. Offer no explanations. Give your mother the funeral you think appropriate. If someone on your husband’s side has the temerity to criticize, don’t enter into an argument and don’t protest.
Just say, “I’m doing exactly what is necessary to honor my mother.”
And walk away.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Sounds like a weird family to me. Gwen isn’t overwhelmed by her mother’s death and is mostly worried by what her husband’s people will say? Is this a competition? They all need family therapy, that’s what I think.
Judy, this question just proves your repeated point about the scam that funerals have become. Insteadof giving relatives and friends a chance to mourn the dead, it’s turned into a status symbol. I don’t know exactly how, but it’s way past time for a consumer protest which will put an end to piles of money being buried in the ground, or going up in smoke. This economic downturn may be, interestingly, a godsend.
Last year was before the financial crash. At this time most families are struggling to make ends meet, and are worried about job and financial security. Having a respectful funeral, which allows people to express their grief, is what is critical –not the price.