Dear Judy,
My ex has lung cancer. She smoked 3 packs a day, so big surprise…She never remarried (I did). We have no kids.
Practically every day someone, her mother, her girlfriends who always drove me nuts anyway, her cousin, calls me up and “suggests” I do something for her. Like maybe visit. Or call her up. Or speak to a hospice person on her behalf.
Do I have to? I feel a little guilty because I cheated on her when we were married and I know she found out. But that was 4 years ago. Now I am happy with my new wife who might not appreciate it if I spent a lot of time with an ex, even if she is dying.
Do I owe her a visit or a call? My sister says I do.
Bruce
Dear Bruce,
I’m not too familiar with the concept of “owing” — except maybe on a line of credit.
But would it be a nice gesture for you to pay your ex a visit or to phone her?
Yes.
I think you know that, though, or you wouldn’t have written.
So do it.
Talking to hospice personnel is a chore you can leave to her cousins or her friends.
Thank you for writing
Judy
He can go visit, but if he wants peace in his remarried life, he better tell his new wife about the visit and get her okay (I know about wives: 3 in succession and they don’t get easier with every remarriage either)
As a healer, I advise you, Bruce, to read your own question carefully and you will clearly understand why you should absolutely not go. Your ex wife was a self destructive smoker with negative friends and famil. Maybe she drove you to cheat.
Bruce owes her nothing.
Rather than visit his ex-wife (bad idea in my book), Bruce could write her a long, sympathetic letter. It would mean something to the ex, I believe. And it wouldn’t require one-on-one contact, which could release all sorts of pent-up feelings. Also, it might be something the ex-wife could think about and draw strength from in the tough days ahead.
Marriage is in sickness and in health. Divorce is pretty finite. You sever relations, and that’s that. If Bruce and/or his wife would have wanted to maintain contact, why would they have gone their separate ways? Why should impending death change things?