Dear Judy,
I know there is no good answer to this, but maybe you can help me think it through. We just learnt that our daughter who is 38 has a very aggressive form of lymphoma. It doesn’t look good. We are heartbroken.
Obviously there are big issues with her own kids, our grandchildren, and her husband who at the best of times is pretty snarky.
But another big problem now is my mother. She is 80 and she’s had a very tough life, now has high blood pressure – and also recently lost a pile with Bernie Madoff, which just about killed her. My sister thinks we shouldn’t tell her, at least not yet.
But I think it’s dishonest to hide such a major family development, especially as I am obviously cutting back on what I’m doing for her in order to help out my sick daughter. This is clearly upsetting her, so how much worse can things get?
Judy, what do you say? The whole truth now? Or bits and pieces of reality, mixed in with lots of lies and subterfuge while I am crying inside?
Sandy
Dear Sandy,
I’m with you, all the way. It sounds, from what you say, like your elderly mother is very alert — but also easily wounded by what she perceives as your neglect.
You have no choice but to set her straight. I’d advise an afternoon by her side: a few hours so that once she gets over the shock, she can ask questions. Or at least hold your hand.
Of course you want to spare her further pain after all she’s been through.
But you owe it not only to her — but to yourself and your very sick daughter — to deliver the truth, no matter how bad or how frightening. She doesn’t need to be hurt by another form of betrayal. And although of course that’s not how your sister sees things (she just wants to spare your mother more pain, I realize), that may well be how your mother will perceive events if your daughter — her granddaughter — declines in health.
And at least this way you can tend to your daughter’s needs without apology.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Judy I would have to agree with you totally. As a mom there is nothing worse then learning your child is terminal and dying. It does not matter that the mother is 80 and the child is 38. It is still a mother / child relationship. It is best to have an afternoon (or two), lots of tissues, and hugs. I would not want to “not know” and be shocked by a sudden death, not being able to take advantage of the window of opportunity left. Good post.
No way this question can be answered without knowing where the old lady lives and how often she sees her family. If she lives around the corner, she must be told the whole ruth. If however she only sees the sick grandaughter once a year, she can be told about a general situation which requires her duaghter’s attention. Again I suggest, Judy, that you get the facts before dispensing advice to people in trouble,
However tempting that incremental, bit-by-bit approach is, all it will do is cause the old lady incremental heartbreak. Bad advice, Judy
Granny’s probably guessing something bad is going on. One nasty image after another is playing out in her mind. And she also definitely feels that by hiding the bad news from her, her family treats her like an idiot, which is humiliating. She should be told the truth. Now.