Dear Judy,
My mother has pancreatic cancer. She also has Malignant Personality Disorder! She clearly favored my brother, her “Golden Child,” who could do no wrong. Although frankly he has a drinking problem.
Both my parents physically and emotionally abused me when I was a child, sabotaging my education and leaving me with a lot of lingering health problems. (My mother was into so-called “alternative medicine”).
My mother wants to see my now she is dying. I live 4-6 hours away and I don’t travel well any more. I have had no contact with her for a couple of years because of her really awful behavior. Frankly, I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to listen to her excuses for why she treated me so badly. She gets a creepy pleasure in making my life miserable. I have already said goodbye.
My relatives are pressuring me to make “one last trip,” as they call it. Should I stick to my guns and stay at home?
Felicia
Dear Felicia,
I always tell people who don’t like a person who happens to be dying (even if it is a relative…) to stay away. There are two reasons for this:
A) One is you. You are not likely to become fonder of anyone, especially not of a mother who abused you as a child, simply because she is dying. Also the deathbed, contrary to what Victorian novels and Hollywood movies would have us believe, is not an environment conducive to peace-making.
B) The other reason for staying away from those you dislike is because the dying person herself, despite her pleas to see you, might not appreciate your company. The terminally ill are in no condition to give you 1) a half-hour hug or 2) a long and satisfactory apology for past misdeeds.
About the only reason you might want to see your mother one last time is lingering guilt. If you are prone, then by all means drop by your mother’s for a brief visit. But if you don’t feel that guilt is going to be your constant companion after her death, stay at home.
It will be better for you both
Thanks for writing
Judy
