Dear Judy,
Our mother has Alzheimer’s. When I say “Our” I’m the only one in the family who uses that word. Because my brother thinks he’s an only child. Or acts like he is.
He’s a doctor, and a good one — a urologist. Which means in one way he can help: he has a lot of contacts in the medical world, knows a lot of good neurologists and gerontologists, etc. But the problem is, in another way he is the opposite of helpful. He is constantly meddling. I am our mother’s chief care-giver, and I guess he is feeling guilty.
Every time he stops by, he peppers me with questions. Then he calls our mother’s doctor, and peppers him. Are the meds working? What about side effects? Should we give mother an experimental drug used in Hong Kong a chance, or not? Why hasn’t the doctor seen her in 3 weeks? Etc.
We are all being driven crazy by this man. Can you suggest a remedy? Not for Alzheimer’s. For my brother!
Beth
Dear Beth,
I completely understand your frustration. Now you have to understand your brother’s. As far as he’s concerned, he’s not meddling. He’s just being a concerned son. And of course, a doctor.
The trouble is, of course, that Alzheimer’s is not a curable disease, and he’s acting as though it is. In other words, by phoning doctors and peppering everyone with questions, and suggesting obscure medications he is in his own way trying to see if he can “cure” your mother.
Rationally, he knows this is impossible. But emotionally — well you see the results.
My advice? Take your brother out for a nice dinner, just the two of you. Explain that you too are heartbroken over your mother’s condition, that you love him for helping out. But add that perhaps sometimes he helps a bit too much. Don’t make too much of this last — just mention it casually, and add that of course you understand why he is trying to contact doctors and provide support.
He’ll think it over later. And thinking about it might prompt him to change his ways. Or it might not. Either way, what he’s doing — however annoying or counterproductive – is done out of love. You’ll just have to accept that. It’s not worth a family fight.
Thank you for writing
Judy
[...] Dear Judy, Our mother has Alzheimer’s. When I say “Our” I’m the only one in the family who uses that word. Because my brother thinks he’s an only child. Or acts like he is. He’s a doctor, and a good one — a urologist. Which means in one way he can help: he has a lot of contacts in the medical world, knows a lot of good neurologists and gerontologists, etc. But the problem is, in another way he is the opposite of helpful. He is constantly meddling. I am our mother’s chief care-giver, and I gue Dimentia Test [...]