Dear Judy
My best friend is dying of cancer. It has been a very very long ordeal.
She chooses to suffer quietly alone with her husband. I have been her only outside contact during her entire suffering. Barbara takes phone calls only from me.
Friends seem to be irate that they cannot speak with her so they call me.
I have been asked to give a eulogy because the time is near. Should I address the fact that she could not speak that often to so many people? It would have been so painful for her. People have been offended and angry.
So Judy — I need inspiration for the eulogy. Some way of phrasing things so that I can tell people why she didn’t want to talk to them this past year. I’ll have to explain about her dying with dignity, and say that she died the way she wants to die: without confiding in or seeing practically anyone.
Kay
Dear Kay,
I am so very sorry about Barbara: I know right now your only solace is that you have been a great friend to her, and are continuing to be one. But that isn’t enough, is it? It hurts especially, because you are practically the only person, aside from her husband, she can bear to watch her die.
Still, I think your instincts are correct: that’s exactly what you should focus on when you start writing her eulogy. Namely that Barbara is a selective woman: a person who chooses to share only the good times with most of her friends. She is dignified, resilient, and loving — but her most agonizing moments are the ones she chooses to spare almost everyone she knows and likes.
I would agree with you that it is vital to mention these qualities (and these choices Barbara has made) just so everyone in her circle of friends and relatives will understand straight away why it is she refused to talk to them while she was dying. And incidentally — why you became for a time her mouthpiece.
It will probably make their resentment (if there are still those smarting from being excluded) evaporate right away.
Then, in your place, I would go on, and describe her other qualities — and above all the experiences she shared with the wider circle. You know these of course, and I do not. But the sticky part I would tackle pretty early on, and with no apologies.
There are people who want their friends to know everything about themselves. And there are others who don’t want to burden their friends — or most of their friends. Barbara was simply private about her pain.
But she is very lucky to have you speak for her. And be with her.
Thank you for writing
Judy
No point trying to appease anyone dumb enough to be offended by the needs of a dying person.
Am I missing something? Don’t we wait for a person to die BEFORE writing their eulogy?
May I offer another perspective, well, several actually.
Part of the dying process is the act of “withdrawal”. It is not meant to be hurtful to those we care about, but it is because we care so deeply that the letting go is all the more difficult. Imagine having to say goodbye (forever goodbye at that) over and over and over again. It is just too hard, so the dying person may begin to make their world smaller as a way of coping. It does not mean they care less about their friends, it means they care too much!
Secondly, the energy involved may not seem like much to us, but to the dying it is just too much. Think of a battery with only so much juice left and no way to “re charge” One would have to be very careful of where to use the energy they have left.
Hope that helps, please keep in mind, you were honored by being asked to be present during this time, be thankful that were that important to your friend. Blessings!
Thank you so much Nurse Frye. My best friend has just been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She only let her husband and I know, now her adult children know as well. We live in small rural area, I must keep a brave face and tell no one, while I am devastated and grieving. Even our dear pastor cannot know, no prayer line etc. I just didn’t understand how tired my friend must be with her heart and lungs failing. Thnk you all for being here.