Dear Judy,
My best friend has melanoma, and it looks like the cancer has spread. She lives more than 150 miles away from me, but I am ready to help and to travel – any time. And to be with her.
I text her. I email her. I phone. She has asked me not to phone. She says it’s all too much for her right now. Her husband and her mother-in-law are really helpful and nice, and she doesn’t need to “bother” (as she puts it) anyone else right now.
I feel terribly hurt. My kids are responsible teenagers, if that’s not an oxymoron, and I am really anxious to be there for her. We’ve been best friends forever!
Tell me: what’s going on???
Sonya
Dear Sonya,
Your best friend has told you what’s going on. You just don’t want to listen. This is one of the hardest things a non-dying person can do for a terminally ill friend: listen. And listen well.
What you’re friend is saying is this: Much as she loves you and values your years of friendship, her illness is requiring all of her attention right now. She is getting the love, attention and care she needs. She wants you to stand by.
Now it may be that she will never call on you for help. Perhaps the cancer, which has spread, is leaving her weaker than you know, or than she can deal with. Maybe she’s scared and just doesn’t want to talk about it — with anyone.
Or it may be that at some future date, she will in fact ask you for help and companionship. Or that her husband or mother-in-law will call. You who are (I assume) healthy, have to be flexible. Your friend cannot be.
So email her, tell her you are thinking of her and miss her. But don’t call. And don’t guilt her. If she calls you, great. If she doesn’t, her silence has nothing to do with her feelings for you. And everything to do with the progression of her very tragic illness.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Judy, you were so right on this. The disconnecting and withdrawal are so hard for the “non dying” to deal with because if feels like rejection. It is really like trying to have a foothold in two worlds…the further they spread apart the more difficult it becomes.I would encourage a hand written letter (just like in the olden days), it is more personal than an email and it will surely bring some comfort for her dear friend and her family.
Thanks Jeanne. I think you’re right: a hand-written letter would be a more loving and thoughtful idea than an email.
Why not also send photos by Email of things she may have particularly loved like a seascape or mountain view? Or of you and your kids?
in other words, not calling or drawing on her energy, but things she can do when she feel;s like it/