Dear Judy,
My brother was only 41 when he had a stroke. He had lot of other health problems which I won’t go into now, but the stroke wasn’t fatal, immediately.
The EMT team who “rescued” him did everything wrong, apparently. No aspirin was administered. Also, there were traffic delays, they brought him to an inferior hospital in our city, and the upshot was he recovered in one way but not in another.
What I’m saying is eventually he understoood a lot, but he couldn’t move much of his body. His arms and legs were frozen. He could move his hands and fingers and that’s about it. He used to use one finger for “Yes.” And another for “No” when someone asked him a question. This went on for a year.
Last month he died. Everyone tells my sister-in-law, his widow, and sometimes me that “In a way his death was a blessing.” Or that “He’s better off dead.” I know what they mean. But I think saying it is awful.
What do you think?
Katie
Dear Katie,
I think people just don’t know how to respond to tragedies that go on and on — and well as to tragedies, like death, that are final. They are clumsy about both, because they are scared of both.
They are especially scared of death since from all outward evidence, there is no coming back. So they prefer to think of it, in some instances, as “a blessing.” That makes them feel better about their own ultimate fates, as you’ve noticed.
I always tell readers that awkward condolences don’t have to be corrected by the mourner in any obvious way. You can make your point subtly but clearly. All you have to say when someone is idiotic enough to describe your brother’s death as “a blessing,” is, “We miss him terribly.”
That will get the point across.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Katie should be honest with herself. Her brother is better off dead and his death IS a blessing. She’s just ashamed to admit it, even to herself. That’s why she reacts so strongly to the truth from other people.
It’s all this pseudo speak which you discussed in one of your blogs, Judy: people trying to be clever and skirting what they really mean. A simple “I am sorry” is no longer considered enough, so people try hard to be sophisticated and as a result manage to be idiotic and clumsyt.
I discovered, from long experience, that saying “THANK YOU” is the best, and most final, response to the rude or meddlesome. You look polite (even if you despise the speaker) — and there’s no way they can continue the discussion.
Katie, I suggest you try to look at the feelings behind the words and understand that people are trying their best to be sympathetic. If they don’t succeed, its not for lack of trying. Let it go, and be grateful that people care for you and care about your loss.
We are not all poets, or Emily Post. When a person speaks about someting which is so complex it often comes out wrong. Your site Judy, helps those of us reading it to both do better, and understand better the actons of others. Keep it up.