Dear Judy,
Maybe you’ve never gotten an email like this before. Our father had a stroke 2 months ago and is now on life support. He has tubes running all through him, for eating and for breathing too. He can’t talk. He recognizes nobody.
My younger brother who lives in Salt Lake City, more than 900 miles away from the rest of us, won’t agree to allow our father to die in peace: some time ago, when he was in his 20’s he got reborn, and he thinks of all the rest of us as heathens, even though our family is pretty religious. In fact he’s accused both me and the oldest brother of “planning to murder” our father, just because we frankly want to pull the plug.
One thing I know about my father: he had a lot of dignity and he would never want to keep on living if all that was meant by living was continuing to breath with a tube. The doctors and nurses aren’t giving us much guidance. Our mother is dead. I just don’t know what to do.
Ethan
Dear Ethan,
I promise you I receive questions like yours all the time. And I answer them all with yet another question: does your father have a Living Will (also known as an Advance Medical Directive)?
If such a document exists — and if you don’t know, I suggest you ask your father’s lawyer, and also rummage through your father’s papers — then you’re in luck. The fights and name-calling can cease. Your father will likely have spelled out in a Living Will exactly what he wants, or wants to reject, in extreme circumstances.
He will also probably have named an attorney-in-fact to make health care decisions for him, in the event of becoming incapacitated. Or he might have executed a Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care, naming a relative or friend to carry out decisions for him.
If you’re the person named, your wishes for your father will be honored. If it’s your brother from Utah, then his wishes will prevail.
And if no such documents exist, then I’m afraid you’re going to have to lobby medical personnel very hard to do what you think best for your father. And that’s a hard burden to shoulder, especially in the face of family discord.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
