Dear Judy,
I’m writing because my mother is driving me nuts (actually, I’m one of 3 sons, and she’s driving us all insane). She’s 78, in okay health considering, and a few of her friends are dying.
We — her sons — are all middle-aged and are not dying, except figuratively. Every day, our mother calls one or the other of us (I am currently laid off, so guess who gets 90 percent of those calls?) — and every day we have to listen to a litany of her friends’ ailments.
This has been going on for 3 years at least, and it gets gross. I am talking about bowel movements, removals of tumors from places I don’t want to think about, and other issues.
I don’t want to be rude to my mother. She’s a nice woman, and brought us up the best she could. But I’m beginning to see why my Dad left her 20 years ago.
We all need your help. Especially me.
Jim
Dear Jim,
Your mother is scared. I know this hasn’t occurred to you, but that’s what accounts for her desire — all right her compulsion — to discuss the details of her friends’ illnesses with you and your brothers.
It’s a pretty commonplace pasttime among the aging, their way of arming themselves emotionally against the nasty surprises of the future.
I know it’s not exactly the kind of conversation you hoped to engage in, especially when you’re unemployed and likely pretty depressed yourself. It’s simply a sign your mother is getting old and panicking.
Your best bet when she gets going with unwelcome medical symptoms is to change the subject — or terminate the conversation by telling her you have a call coming in. Then call back after a few minutes, make it short and try to do most of the talking.
And by the way, your mother’s late-in-life obsession with the diseases of her friends? That’s not why your father divorced her 20 years ago. As you yourself said, She’s a nice lady who did her best for all of you.
Remember that.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Know what? If Jim had a parent with real problems, he wouldn’t complain about a an old lady whose only issue is that she talks for a few minutes about boring stuff. He should be grateful this is all he has to handle.
The old lady needs to talk. That doesnt mean her son or anyone has to really listen.
I had the same sort of problem with a non-relative. Bored me to death with details. Then I started telling HER about some ailment, adding that she probably was “grossed out” by the details. That stopped the recitations!
I have found it helpful to put “time limits” on certain subjects or with chronic complainers.
” I am so glad you called (the truth), I have about 10 minutes (could be a lie), tell me how YOU are doing (redirection)” Repeat as necessary….but interject less time with each reminder. Works with most folks…we all need our boundries. Smile!