Dear Judy,
My mother learned she had cancer a year ago; it is of unknown origin but it has spread to her liver. The oncologist said she had just months to live. That was 8 months ago.
She is still alive. We called the nearest hospice and the personnel who help her out are really good.
Our problem is our mother feels just because she’s dying, she can say anything at all to us, no matter how mean or vicious. Whatever I do, feed her, cook for her, sort her pills, make her bed, is not enough. She won’t do anything for herself.
I find myself wishing it was all over. And I don’t want to feel that way.
Can you help?
Ruthie
Dear Ruthie,,
Yes I can help. In a way. The dying aren’t like you and me — even though we all know we’ll have to die sometime. Most of them know there’s no hope, no second act in their lives. You are very likely healthy. They are not. It makes them furious.
So trust me on this: There’s no Hollywood movie ending in most instances, where a sweet, smiling mother in a frilly nightgown bestows a last blessing on her family. A whole lot of the dying resort to acting out, especially with their near relations, the people who often love and care for them. That is their only means of self-expression, and they are going to use it to the hilt.
Should you feel guilty about “wanting it to be over”? Personally, I don’t think so. Take some comfort from the fact that you’re doing the right thing, caring for your mother. Try to concentrate on what she used to be like (if the thought cheers you…)
Also, give yourself an occasional treat: a scented bath, a night out at the movies, if a friend or relative can sub for you. Ask the hospice if your mother can be prescribed an anti-depressant: it might change her attitude, if only slightly.
And write to tell me if any of this helps.
Thanks for writing
Judy
